Sunday, January 29, 2006

I just got rid of the last of the stragglers. Everyone ended up back here at the dump after the going away party last night. BG is moving back east again. Whatever. He can go all the way to hell for all I care. I just went to see everyone. It was cool. He was kind of a boring ass because he kept standing up and taking the microphone away for JP. It was kind of lame. It was totally obvious he's a legend in his own mind. I couldn't give less of a shit about all that soap opera stuff. I just went for the party.

It ended up being one of those weird nights where no one goes home. We just went from place to place all the way from Santa Monica to Venice to Redondo to the LBC. The crowd got smaller and smaller until we were back at my place with about ten people. Patty made hot chocolate for everyone and then we talked and talked and finally everyone crashed out. This morning, well noon really, when we all woke up we decided to just get food and chill. We caravaned like a tribe down to the BBC and scared some preppie fucks who were having Sunday Brunch. Then we went vinyl shopping. We lost some of the guys after that. Three of the girls kind of hung out to watch movies and try on some of Patty's new stuff.

It was a nice time after almost two fucking weeks of working straight. Ever since my coworker went through the windshield I've been covering shifts like a workaholic. The money's okay but everything's sliding. It's like I'm in one of those horror movies where the demon is dragging me off to hell and the rest of the world is slipping away from me. I can't grab hold of anything. I can only scream and scratch the air as the demon drags me off to the hellish nightmare that will be more hellish than the nightmare I'm already in. Yeah, kinda just like that.

My house is a mess. Goth Boy's house is a mess. I had to buy new thongs because it's been so fucking long since I did my laundry and I promised Ben I would always wear some kind of panties to work. I don't think I can miss any more school without getting bounced from the program. I can't let that happen. I can't keep going like this, either. Goth Boy has to take a trip to Seattle of all fucking places and I'd love to go. I don't see how I can. Fuck. I feel like I'm losing control of my life.I can't find that fucking book Karin gave me about spiritual balance. I think I may have accidently left it at my stripping class. Drag.

confessions of The Shadow * 9:49 PM

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Tuesday, January 17, 2006

Henry was in rare form tonight. I love Harmony in my Head. It's one of the few good things in my life. Maybe that's not all true. I have a lot of good things in my life. The best of which is my High Priest. He is the best. He always will be. I feel very fortunate that I was able to call to me such an excellent man. I'm very glad I gave myself this good luck at this time in my life. I wouldn't want to have to go through life without a High Priest to worship me.

Henry is leaving and going to New Zealand and Australia. I would like to go someday. Sooner than later. I'd like to go to Japan, too. I can wait for that. School is back in session. It's very primary. That's our new word for things basic and dull. It's so primary. I don't know how much longer we can stay in the half done building. There's an offer on the condo. Carey says it will still take months and months for it to sell and we won't have to leave before then. The guy who came to look at it totally freaked out at Patty's wall art. I laughed at him and the real estate agent gave me a really dirty look.

I saw the girl I know who's gotten totally into S&M. She still looks so normal. I don't know what I was expecting, but she seems the same. I thought she would be all faded and bitter or creepy after a while. I thought she'd get swallowed up into it like the Story of O. It hasn't happened. Yet.

We won't be deprived of Henry while he's gone. He did some shows with Engineer X so we'll have him on the air even though he's gone.

I met a girl at the hospital yesterday who is from some place in Utah. She's joining the program but she's going to school somewhere else. She grew up in one of those fucked up male controlled mind fuck towns where all the girls had to get married as soon as they started their period. She ran away with another girl who works in a legal brothel now in Nevada. They were rescued by some charity place and now she lives with some people who are with some church. She was telling me how great they are and she invited me to the church. I didn't have the heart to tell her I think she went from one mind fuck place to another one. Whatever. At least they're helping her through school.

confessions of The Shadow * 10:50 PM

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Friday, January 13, 2006

Home early from an evening of absolute chaos. It all started tonight around 7pm. Mr. Steve, Miss Mary Sunshine, Patty and her man, me and my High Priest went out to dinner and then to a show. Dinner was great. It's kind of annoying watching Mr. Steve and Miss Mary Sunshine because it's like hanging out with the wolf and Snow White. Or Little Red Robin Hood. Or what the fuck ever. You know what I mean.

After dinner we went to Alex's to see a show. The band was good like always, but there were a bunch of people there who would not stop heckling and bugging. So of course the guys ended up in a rumble. Which was fine. Whatever. It upset Eliza, but she'll get over it. So us girls all left and the guys were doing their thing, getting into it or whatever.

We went over to The Library and we sat down with our coffee and Patty just looks at me and says "Is this it?" and I'm like what? And she's all is this our lives? Struggling all the fucking time and watching the guys get into it every time we go anywhere and just hanging out all the time? Is this it? Is this the rest of our fucking lives like this? I didn't know what to say. Looking at Miss Mary Sunshine, she thinks this is all so exciting. It upsets her, but it's interesting. Patty and me are so fucking over it.

I love going out. I love seeing shows and listening to music and not being in the scene exactly, but grooving in it. I totally know what Patty means, though. It's like all the time all we do is listen to music and collect vinyl and read and it's like we're stim junkies. We need brain stim all the time. I feel like I constantly need something interesting happening or I might as well be a methfreak in Riverside with nothing better to do but sit at a friend's house watching MfuckingTV and cracking the vein. It's like I'm afraid to calm down and be mellow because then I'll be my monster. I have to be cool all the time. I have to be in style all the time. I have to be on the edge all the fucking time. Because if I'm not pushing it I feel like I'm sliding into some kind of weird dream where David Byrne is singing "this is not my beautiful house, this is not my beautiful wife". You know what I mean? Do you?

I bet you don't. I bet you shop at The Gap and wear coordinating outfits like you saw in the magazines to your regular old 9 to 5 where you suck it up for the boss so that one day maybe if you're good they'll let you be the boss and then you can stick it to the little people right where your boss used to stick it to you.

Where the fuck is my life going? I don't know. But I'll tell where this ride ain't stopping. This trip doesn't end with a fat, defeated, bitter woman sitting in a hell hole surrounded by her kids who hate her as much as she resents them.

Maybe I should have a baby. I bet that would make it all better.

confessions of The Shadow * 11:45 PM

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It's officially Friday the 13th. Does that make you nervous? Maybe it should. I don't care about Friday the 13th. It's a lame superstition. I only like superstitions that have some kind of meaning to me. Like that you're supposed to hang a witch's ball in your window to ward off the evil eye.

I went up to Silverlake today with Patty. We shopped for some clothes and then we drove all the way to Santa Monica. We took Sunset that whole way. It was kind of a long way but we were just talking and talking the whole time so it was okay. Patty says she's totally over going to New York. When we were up in LA today we saw a million cute things. She's so inspired. She has no product left since the show at Ben's loft. Now she has to restock. We got a bunch of colored fishnet stocking in all kinds of sizes. I have no idea what she'll do with those. Something cute. Patty is reading my copy of Roomanitarian right now. That's one of the things we talked about in the car. What makes Henry so fascinating? Everything.

We have to find a new place to live because the city is kicking people out of the building. It's been a good place for us. We're gonna try and stay as long as we can. I can always crash with my High Priest if we get bounced and Patty can actually live with her husband. There's a lot of mad drama right now because she just served her mom with court papers that say she's supposed to account for all of Patty's money. Patty's attorney girl told us that's the first step. Then when they find "irregularities", they go back to the judge and ask him to give Patty her money. I don't really understand the whole thing, but attorney girl says she does. It would be so cool if Patty got even just some of her money. Then she could do whatever she wanted whenever. She pretty much does that anyway, but money is freedom and then she'd be more free. Having no money cripples you. Just ask Carey.

I'm back in school. I have two more semesters to go after this one. We bought our tickets for L's wedding in France. Patty can't buy hers yet and her man says he's not going. I think he is. He's just being his usual difficult self.

I'm tired but I can't sleep. I don't know why. I think I'm just too used to staying up all night for shift. The charge says I'm supposed to be on PM shift soon. I won't bother holding my breath. Sorry if I'm boring you. I don't really have anything too excited to talk about. I'll start some shit and then write about it. Would that make you happy? Well, you're a sick pathetic fuck if it does. Why don't you go read the Rollins blog instead?

confessions of The Shadow * 1:05 AM

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Friday, January 06, 2006

I'm tired. I've been working straight the last 5 days. We had a lot of shit to do after the show in the loft. The show was a lot of fun, but kind of weird. I had to walk around with Miss Mary Sunshine in a lot of the outfits Patty and Rad made. They sold it all. Then we had to get it all ready for them to take. It was crazy. There were so many people there and Ben got kind of freaked. There were at least twice as many people than we thought would ever come. They bought everything. They bought Shag's art, they bought J'adorable out, they even bought the food from Carey. I didn't know it was for sale, but whatever. Sell it all. Fuck it.

Now I'm just so fucking tired. We're supposed to go out and I'm waiting for my High Priest to get home, but I'm only going out to be on his arm. A gracious appearance of the Popess. We have to go down to Newport Beach, which is not a joy. I hate all those OC fucks. But he has a client he's romancing and we have to show up and be fabulous because it's not enough for those phony fucks that my Priest is a genius at what he does. No, he has to be cool and hot, too.

We'll go and blow them all away and then laugh at them on the way home. Fuck them all. I hate them all and I haven't even met any of them. I know them, though. I don't have to meet anyone from the OC to know I can't stand them.

confessions of The Shadow * 7:15 PM

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