Sunday, January 30, 2005

I went for breakfast and shoe shopping with Patty this morning. I found out from her that Goth Boy found my blog on a Henry Rollins group in Yahoo because some asshole in there was talking shit about Rhonda and Carey's blog which links to mine. Patty told me all kinds of things especially that she and Goth Boy already had their little fling and there's nothing more to it. I knew Patty wasn't that kind of chick.

So I came home just now and I read all the stuff Patty was talking about and I called Rhonda because I can't find Carey and Rhonda forwarded me all the emails that people had sent about that asshole and I'm just kind of blown away. What a dick. I hope he reads this sometime so I can be one more person telling him I think he's a fucking dickhead.

What a fucking idiot. By the way, how did he just so happen to find Rhonda and Carey's blog? He must have been searching for his own name or something lame like that. Plus in the group he takes things they said out of context. That's not okay. You're not supposed to do that unless you're some bible banging asshole retard preacher who wants to control people's minds. What a fucker. I'm so twisted right now. I read the stuff on the bunkypunk blog. There's no link from Rhonda and Carey's blog so why did he drag them into it in the first fucking place?

I'll tell you what, asshole. You've got it all wrong. You're a fucking retard. It's just like that stupid show on MTV. You think you know, but you have no idea. You don't know what you're talking about idiot. First of all, no one used their real names on the blog. So the person you think is the one you tried to rip off, that's not even her. The person you tried to rip off doesn't even blog all that often. Also, when they said all that shit on the bunkypunk blog that was all just because your stupid "friends" were talking shit about you to them. They were just posting what those other people had said about you. I'm surprised Rhonda didn't send you all those emails to prove to you what others said about you, but she says she doesn't want you to have more ego fuel. Besides which, if you were so offended, if you were so hurt and upset and are some kind of innocent bystander, then why did you tell everyone about it? Why did you go on two Yahoo groups telling everyone to go read what you thought people were saying about you? It's because you're pretending you're offended and really you're thrilled that someone was writing about you. Well no one was really writing about you asshole. They were talking about all the other jerkoffs who act exactly like they think you act. Probably nobody actually gives two black shits about you at all. I know I certainly don't. You're an ass. That's why the blog got taken over. There's a guy out here who people have been calling the bunky punk for months because he was acting like a giant dick. Now that he knows the whole story he's determined to make the name mean something else. You're just a retard.

I fucking hate you. I hate you forever and I wish you ill. I will be cursing you and yours as long as it occurs to me. I curse you with impotence and insecurity. I curse you with writer's block and rejection letters. I curse you wrong decisions and bad love forever and ever amen.

God you're such a fucking dick.

So there it is. That's what happened. I'm waiting for Goth Boy to come back from Miami so we can have our showdown. I am hopeful that he's so enlightened and evolved he will at least be willing to discuss our situation like the adult I wish to become someday.

In the meantime, the Temple of my Sex is closed.

Boring Boy has been instructed to worship at home and to practice his sexual beliefs on new initiates. Rocker Boy sent me a red velvet teddy bear. I think Goth Boy must have damaged his brain with that ass kicking. I cut off teddy's arms and legs and threw it in the back of Rocker Boy's truck. I hope he gets the message.


confessions of The Shadow * 1:44 PM

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Thursday, January 27, 2005

Goth Boy has been reading my blog. I found this out last night. I'm not sure how he found it but he's a computer nerd at heart so I guess it's not too amazing. I've been waiting for this. I don't care really. I knew when I started that people would be reading my thoughts but I'm wondering what he thinks.

So, Dave. What do you think?

Do you think I'm a slut? A bitch? An idiot?

He's in Florida for some reason. He has work to do down there between hurricanes. I don't care that he's been reading the blog. There's nothing too exciting. There's nothing he didn't already know. For a minute I felt like I had to go through the blog and edit it. Then I decided that I wouldn't bother because it was all written on the fly and in the moment and to go back and alter it now would be fake. The only thing I'm not 100% sure of is what I wrote about other people. I understand what Carey and Rhonda were saying about no girl is an island and that all the universe is a shared experience. But it's my universe. I don't know how anyone else feels. I only know myself. So, if someone would like to call me or come by so we can talk or shout about it that would be really good. If someone won't even call me to talk or argue then I guess that lets me know that they don't want to groove with me anymore.

But I think someone does. I think someone felt good with me and wants to spend more time with me. So I'm waiting for someone to call. I'm waiting for someone to come and be with me. Me and pussy are waiting.

But we won't wait forever.


confessions of The Shadow * 2:41 PM

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Sunday, January 23, 2005

Well it finally happened. Goth Boy kicked Rocker Boy's ass. I don't think it really had anything to do with me. It was inevitable and I know I probably spelled that wrong, but guess who doesn't give a shit? Guess who doesn't give two black shits?

I know you all just want the gossip with the gorey details and I won't disappoint. Here's the what happened according to an unidentified source who will remain unnamed for secret reasons. Last night Rocker Boy and his tribe were hanging out at a certain dive at 4th and Almond. Yes, that's the one. Rocker Boy was in there getting twisted on someone else's dime talking shit about anything and everything and everyone, too. Apparently he hit on Fat Patty and she told him to shove it.

Patty, girl. I don't know why they call you Fat Patty, but you've got it going on. I love your new do and your aqua sequin skirt is the best ever. We should go shoe shopping sometime. I'm sorry you had to deal with Rocker Boy's shit. Isn't he lame? I've been trying to get rid of that disease for months.

So anyway, Goth Boy walked in on all this madness. Patty was trying to leave and Rocker Boy was talking all this shit to her about all kinds of drama and how he just wanted to buy her a drink. Then he starts in on Goth Boy and according to my source at first my man just took it. My witness tells me that he just stood there with his arms folded across his chest with his "stone" face on while Rocker Boy just went off about how Goth Boy thinks his shit doesn't stink and that he doesn't even know anything about good music and that he's just a blind Rollins worshipper. Much to my surprise Goth Boy just told Rocker Boy he was a drunk and a child and needed to go home and sleep it off.

Then Rocker Boy really went over the line and started yelling at Goth Boy that he'd stolen his chick. What the fuck ever. I certainly hope that idiot wasn't talking about me because I was never his chick and no one stole me from anybody because I am the Sex Popess of the World and I am in control of myself and my pussy. No one else has that right or ability.

So Goth Boy told Rocker Boy's tribe to take him home but they all just ditched him and went and sat back down. Then Rocker Boy said he was going to kick Goth Boy's ass and took a swing at him. He was so drunk all Goth Boy had to do was dodge him and step out of the way, but Patty didn't know that. She screamed and then she yelled at Rocker Boy to stop. He shoved Patty against the wall and knocked her down.

That's when Goth Boy lost his shit. Apprently he grabbed Rocker Boy and half-carried half-dragged his ass out the back and into the alley. Everyone ran out to see what was going on. Rocker Boy got up and went for him again, but Goth Boy just punched him straight in the face and knocked him back down. Then Rocker Boy started yelling and kicking and Goth Boy just walked up to him and slapped his face.

He told him stay away from me. Rocker Boy tried to say something but Goth Boy shut him up and told him again to stay away from us. US? I grilled my witness specially on this one word and he confirmed that he said exactly US. Hmmmmm.

Then Goth Boy walked Patty to her car and told her to call him if she needed anything. I can't imagine Patty needing anything, but it was nice of him to do it. My man and his East Coast manners.

US. He said US.

He'll be by anytime now to pick up that vinyl.
I have faith in the power of the pussy.
This has all just been a test from the Powers That Be.
I hope I passed. I hope the Goddess Venus will return my High Priest to the Temple of my Sex soon so that we can get back to work.

Patty, call me girl. We'll run up to the Garment district for shoe shopping.


confessions of The Shadow * 5:47 PM

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Wednesday, January 19, 2005

Lalalala, nanny nanny nan! Goth Boy had some vinyl sent to my house and he's not here to get it. Now he'll call or come over for sure for sure for sure. I knew if I just kept calling him with my pussy he'd have to come back. Hooray! I didn't open the box, because it's not addressed to me, but I put it away in the apartment in a kind of secret hiding place where I know he won't find it without me. I found out that he's in Chicago for some reason. I don't know why he insists on going to freezing cold snowy places and I don't really care anyway. I have the vinyl and he'll have to come and get it. That ain't all he'll have to come and get. I read this book of Carey's about visualizing what you want and focusing your attention. Okay, I didn't read all of it because in some parts it was really boring. I read the parts that interested me and it said to just hold in your mind the results that you want and never give up. So I've just been imagining that Goth Boy is back and we're cool and he understands my mission as Sex Popess of the World and life moves on the way it's supposed to go. I have the vinyl. He must come back to me. I feel so powerful now. I bought a new bedset for reunion. I know he's thinking of me. I read the doctor's blog note. Not to be a stuck up bitch, but c'mon. It doesn't make sense to walk away from something this good. I have faith in the future situation and I'm holdin the vision in my head like that book says. He'll be back. He's just on one of his really long walks.


confessions of The Shadow * 5:14 PM

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Monday, January 17, 2005

Rocker Boy was camped out on my doorstep this morning when I went out for coffee. I told him to get lost so of course he walked behind me all the way to the coffee house. Jesus God, all I wanted was a Mocha and a cinnamon roll, but no. Asshole thinks the whole world is all about him and his needs and wants. I ignored him the whole time I got my stuff and walked back to my place. He said he misses me. He needs me. He's in love with me. He can't stop thinking about me, blah blah blah. I guess he found out Goth Boy and I broke up. Did we break up? Were we ever really together? I don't know. I don't know what we were. It felt good, though. Now it's like my pussy misses him. I don't like this. I don't like feeling like this. Should I do untold amounts of drugs and booze and guys to numb the pain? No. I don't do boring Hollywood shit like that. I'll just go to work and on my way home I'll stop at Bath and Body to get some of that good bubble bath I only use when I really need it. I ran out when I heard about what happened in China.

The doctor took Carey and I out to dinner the other night. I really like him. Not like that, you dirty-minded people. He's one of those people who give a shit. He looks at Carey the way Joe Cole looked at me that day. I asked her if they ever played together and she got a little pissy with me. I don't know if they have or not, but either way it's a touchy subject.

Fucking Goth Boy. Why doesn't he just call?

When my hippie friend gets home tonight I'm calling her in Vegas and asking her to do a spell for me. I don't like this. I want Goth Boy or I want to forget him. He's either in or he's out. I don't like someone pulling my puppet strings like this. I am the Sex Popess of the World and no one controls my pussy or my feelings but me and me alone. I am collecting the entire HIMH playlist, and once I have it all I will be fucking unconquerable.


confessions of The Shadow * 11:33 AM

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Sunday, January 16, 2005

I made Boring Boy take me vinyl shopping in San Diego yesterday. I have no clue where we were, but there was a guy who said he had a punk collection up for grabs. I paid $100 for 32 LP's. I have no idea if what I have is shit or gold. I'll find out tomorrow when I go to Carey's to use her vinyl player. I got a bunch of old Black Flag, some X, someone called the Angry Samoans, Romeo Void, Dead Kennedys, some Mojo Nixon, and then there was some Eurotrash stuff that I don't know about. Enstruzin Nubater or some crazy shit like that. I don't know. I need some more old DC stuff, but that's all at Goth Boy's cave. The freak tried to make me swear on a Bible that I would take care of the vinyl and would protect it from the sun and heat and small children with sticky fingers. I wouldn't swear on a Bible so he made me swear on his first issue of Rolling Stone. He has cancer and his wife took his kids away from him. He told us he can't wait to die. I told him I worked in a hospital and he didn't look too cancerous to me. He said he was dying from cancer of his soul.

Boring Boy bought me lunch and we ate ice cream in the gas light district. It was okay. The drive back up was very quiet, but not in a silent treatment kind of way. I need a new High Priest. I guess I'm taking applications.


confessions of The Shadow * 3:38 PM

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Tuesday, January 11, 2005

Score one for the Popess! I had a brilliant realization last night as I was lying (laying?) in bed last night. I figure if Goth Boy is able to resist my pussy he might also be able to resist my vinyl, but there's only one way to find out. I must have not only the ultimate pussy, but the ultimate vinyl collection. I know I can never compete with the likes of Rollins, MacKaye, Davis, and all those heavyweights, but I can get the Harmony in my Head Playlist collection, can't I? I mean, in theory, it's physically possible, right?

I tried to go and copy it off the Harmony in my Head site, but the whole site is gone. Drag. I tried getting it off the Indie site, but they only have the farewell show. So I called the people at Indie and some unconcerned slave was totally unsympathetic. So I pulled a Carey and I wrote to 2*13*61 and asked if I could have a copy or if they'd post it on HR's site. Some guy wrote me back and sent it all on a zip file. Luckily I now have Goth Boy's old computer, though it's really not old at all. The computer knew how to open the file from the email, which is good because I would have been out of luck otherwise. I sent it on to everyone I know. I am now not only the Sex Popess of the World, but Queen for the day, too. Sorry Rad.

So this guy who e'd me back from 2*13*61 signed his name as Henry. Carey thinks it was Rollins himself, but I doubt it. He's on one of his EuroTours so it has to be some intern or staffer. Whoever it was, they have my eternal gratitude, because now I have what I need to collect the Playlist and have even more vinyl to make Goth Boy drool. I am invinceable.

I sold all the giftcards mommy dearest gave me at Xmas on craigslist for cash. I got $400 for nearly $500 in gift cards. Please, like I was really going shopping at Macy's. Notice how my monster and stepfreak didn't just give me a pre-paid visa card? Gee, could it be they were afraid I'd take it straight to the tattoo parlour? Maybe I would have. What's it to them anyway?

So now I have a good start on my ultimate vinyl collection. I signed up at the city college to be a nude model again. It sucks because you have to stay in one pose for so long, but it's good money for extras. I'm doing four classes this month and six in February. I told him that was all I could handle for now. I know a lot of people have a problem with nude models and one of the fat hens where I used to work kept trying to tell me I was being taken advantage of, but I don't give a shit. Same old story - my body, my choice. I have no problem being nude or having anyone see me in all my glory. As long as I get paid, it's cool. Anyway people have this idea like it's a peepshow or something and it's totally not even like that at all. Most of the artists are totally cool and the only ones who try to hit on me are complete assholes and the instructor always shuts them down right away. Last time this one guy ended up dropping out of the class because he was so embarrassed by his own reaction to my body. His problem, not mine. Besides, when Goth Boy finds out that I'm doing it to fund my holy playlist crusade he'll probably lose his mind again.

Well, all right. As long as he's reacting, there must be something there. Where's there's smoke there's fire, right?

If he doesn't come back to me, I'll have to spend the rest of my life kicking his ass. That is so unacceptable. I'll have to be better than him at everything all the time to conquer him. Fuck. He should just come back and knock off this shit and let me be me so we can be us and collect this playlist together. Wouldn't that be better?

Carey says he was probably getting comfortable with me and that made him freak. She thinks he's a "lone wolf" and a "desperado" and that it probably felt so good being with me that it scared the shit out of him on some primal level and now he'll either stay away from me forever or devour me whole.

Fuck, fuck, fuck! This is so not what I want!

I wonder if the guy working at 2*13*61 is hot?


confessions of The Shadow * 8:34 PM

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Sunday, January 09, 2005

I think I might be a little depressed. I haven't felt like doing anything since I dropped Goth Boy's stuff off at his place. He hasn't called. I'm very disappointed. I thought I would be going out every night hunting new meat, but I'm just not into it. Today I was at Target getting LMP's, or life maintenance products, and a guy was hitting on me really hard and I just walked away. I didn't smirk at him or give him the you're totally delusional to even think I would look. I just wasn't even up to responding. It's like he took the wind out of my sails when he left.

Boring Boy called to tell me his latest conquest. He's been ignoring Ally McBeal because she's a bitch, well duh, and he went out to a club alone. He took my advice and bought a girl a drink and sat and talked with her about all kinds of stuff and didn't talked about Star Wars or that Ring of the King shit even after she mentioned it. And then, ultimate triumph, when she was getting ready to leave with her friends, who he was nice to even though they were giving him shit, he told her he'd really enjoyed talking with her and asked for her number so he could talk with her again. Then she said she only gave her number out to guys who were actually planning on calling her and asking her out. He said well in that case let me put it in my cell phone right now and he did. Hooray! My little student has his success!Then he called her the next night and they talked about some stupid boring shit that excites the two of them and he mad a date with her for Friday. I'm a genius. I should get paid hard money for my expertise.

I'm trying to take my mind off Goth Boy but it's hard. I'm typing this on the computer he gave me. I've been calling and calling him with my pussy, but he hasn't responded. Rocker Boy called me at work. I was half tempted to fuck him, just so it would get back to Goth Boy, but then what good would it serve? Besides which, I would have to fuck Rocker Boy. I wanted to ask him if he'd heard from Goth Boy or knew what was up, but I practiced self-control.

Mommy called and asked if I wanted to come over for an indoor picnic they're having at the house. I don't know what the fuck that's supposed to be, but I just told her no thanks. I didn't even have the urge to say something snippy and hurtful. I'm just not interested.

Carey says I'm in a state of malaise. She said it's some French term for the letdown you feel when something is over. I guess maybe I am in a state of malaise, but I don't know if things are really over with Goth Boy and me. I don't feel like he's gone from my life. I just feel like he's on one of his walks and hasn't come back yet. Maybe it was wrong of me to drop his shit off at his place. Maybe as the Sex Popess of the World I should have had more faith in the power of my pussy.

I have to put on a good front, though. I have to still go out and have fun and smile and laugh. Trouble is I don't feel like going out. I just want to stay home and read, which is a little weird for me. I've been reading all of Carey's Henry Rollins books. Man, sometimes that really old stuff of his where he talks about the land on fire and the city at war really speak to me. I feel like when I'm reading those parts I'm back at the food stand that day in Venice. I feel like I'm right there and if I look behind me I'll see Joe Cole staring at me with that look.

The other stuff of Rollins I connect with is when he's talking about the heat between the sheets. When he talks about how the woman is a snake and that she rips his flesh I feel like he's totally understanding me. I keep thinking of when Goth Boy and I fucked in his mom's room when I read certain parts of that old Rollins stuff. I feel like maybe Goth Boy wanted to fuck me in his mom's house so much because he was taking his sex back from her. Like her sexuality and desire was just everywhere and he wanted to somehow neutralize it.

I found all that vinyl we ripped off from her in my vinyl case. Maybe he'll come back for that. Although, I will have to say now that if he comes back for his mom's jacked vinyl and not my hot wet pussy, there will be some hell to pay. I'll crack open the floor of my temple and drag a she-beast straight up from the fiery pit to devour his soul.


confessions of The Shadow * 2:40 PM

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Sunday, January 02, 2005

Goth Boy blew it. I knew it couldn't last. I just took the Xmas tree down today. I waited and waited for him to come back or call and his raggedy punk ass can't be bothered. Well that's that. Fuck him. No, no, no. Never ever ever again. He has been banished from the Temple of my Sex. I am done with him.

The whole thing with Boring Boy was just lame. I can't imagine he could really be threatened or jealous of someone so obviously not my thing. What an ass. I'm so fucking pissed at him. I put all his shit in a box and dropped it off in front of his apartment. I hope someone takes it. I packed it like a shipping box with tape and all. I hope someone thinks it's a Xmas gift and takes off with it. That would make me laugh.

I went to another one of The Crew's weddings. This one was absolutely insane. The Crew totally took over and fucked up that whole E ticket ride. What do you expect from a tribe who get kicked out of every damn place they go? I thought both the bride's parents were gonna have to be carried out on a guerny.

The Pottery Barn Catalog or whoever the fuck they really are showed up. The doctor gave them to the groom for a gift. They rocked the house. They called themselves Henry Rollins Futon. I thought that was funny. So I brought the lead singer home.

He's okay. Nothing happened. He came in and saw the tree and saw some of Goth Boy's shit and asked me where my man was. I told him I didn't have a man but that my high priest was missing. I explained to him that he was in the presence of the Sex Popess of the World. He laughed and passed out on the sofa. I have deemed him unworthy of any further attention.

In the morning I let him take a shower and I shoved his ass out my door. I had a feeling that Goth Boy was out there somewhere watching him go. It was probably wishful thinking.

I knew it couldn't last. It felt too good. It's too meant to be.

Fuck, I knew I shouldn't have let him meet my family.




confessions of The Shadow * 5:30 PM

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