Monday, December 26, 2005

Happy Yewlstys. I got too much shit for Soulstys. My favorite is my Dolly Parton CD. It's like hits of the sixties all Dolly style. Carey made enchiladas for my High Priest and me. Goth Boy went nuts and practically ate them all. He said he would pay her to make a whole batch just for him. They're addictive. That's where she should focus her efforts. She could sell that recipe to Heinz or Emeril or somebody.

I got an envelope of gift cards from my monster. Almost a $1,000 in gift cards. I don't know what to do with them. I can't accept them, but I don't want to give them back. I want her to pay, but I don't want anything that comes from her. If we could give them away to Katrina victims or something and then get them to mail her a receipt or a thank you card that would be cool. Maybe I'll just give them to Carey. She could use them. I'll have Carey pretend she's a Katrina victim and write a note. But Goth Boy is saying that would be some kind of charity fraud. We'll figure it out.

Everyone's getting ready for the big show. We were in a little show at Portfolio on the 18th. It was cool. I felt a little self-conscious with everyone looking at me when I was walking around but Miss Mary Sunshine had it worse. She was kind of stiff so I went up to her and started flirting with her to make her laugh and then I didn't give a shit that anyone was looking at me. People look at me all the time. Why should I ever give a shit?

Goth Boy is very happy with all the vinyl I got him. I also got him some vintage t-shirts, Black Sabbath and Shonen Knife. Plus I got him this computerish thing he's been wanting. It's a Bose speaker dock for his iPod. He listed his Belkin on eBay. He's very content, which is how I like him to be.

Katrin says the coming year is the Year of the Dog. I hope it's a gentle kind of dog, like a lazy Basset Hound who just wants to curl up at the fire and chill. Or maybe I want it to be a well-trained dog like a Labrador or a Shepherd so we don't have any crazy bullshit. Just as long as it isn't some fucking hyper chihuahua like Paris Hilton has. I swear if it turns out to be one of those schizoid dogs I'll be really, really pissed.

confessions of The Shadow * 12:27 PM

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Wednesday, December 21, 2005

We went to visit Joe on Monday. It was nice. We went out after. That was nice, too. I am sitting at Goth Boy's desk looking out over the sand and water. There are a lot of people out walking around on the beach and and the bike trail even though it's kinda cold. I can tell which ones are couples because they hold hands. That's nice, isn't it? I want to go away. I asked my High Priest about this morning and just said where? That's the problem. Where do I want to go. I don't want to go to Vegas. I don't want to go anywhere cold. Is there any possibility we could go tropical? No. I don't want to be an asshole like my monster and stepfreak. Jetsetting to Hawaii when the weather turns.

Maybe I just want something peaceful. That would be cool. Monday in the graveyard was so totally peaceful. People had fucking Xmas trees all decorated on some of the graves, but there were hardly any people there at all. Live people, I mean. I would like to go somewhere and just be totally chill. And then go see a really good show and then come back to wherever and have some super hot sex with my High Priest, and then chill all the next day.

Yeah. Like that's really gonna happen.

confessions of The Shadow * 4:28 PM

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Sunday, December 18, 2005

A girl I know from school was hit by a drunk driver tonight. She's a total gorker now. She was last seen wearing the windshield. If she ever does wake up she'll need a new face. They had to amputate her right arm because she had a severed artery. That's not to mention the pelvic fracture and her left kneecap. It's missing. The medics on scene couldn't find that fucking kneecap anywhere. Fucking sucks.

I called Goth Boy away from a party and made him and Patty's Man get their asses down here with some food and some love. I got my man in the doc's lounge and made him fuck me quick and proper. Then I let him and Patty's man go back to their stupid networking and schmoozing shit.

Life is so fragile. I swear. At least now I have an excuse for my biology lab. I'm so sorry, Sir. My lab partner was almost killed Saturday night and I had to load the 3/4's of her that wasn't shredded onto a gurney and transport her to CT so we could see if her brain was bruised. It was, Sir. Her brain is kind of mushy now and when I was pushing her down the hall she kept doing weird things with her eyes. It kind of freaked me out, Sir. I don't think I can come back to class. Just give me my A and leave me the fuck alone, will ya? Can you do that for me, Sir? Or are you the prick I pegged you for the minute I saw your idiot ass walking in the door?

I just started this fucking job and I need some time off alreday.

confessions of The Shadow * 12:45 AM

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Monday, December 12, 2005

Has anyone else noticed how much calmer my life is since I killed off my monster? No mas mommy and boo. So much less drama. I've decided that Sarah Silverman is someone I could hang out with, but only because she has so much class.

We are not going anywhere for Soulstys. We are staying in town. We went to the boat parade. That was funny. We all threw gumdrops and Hershey kisses and the stupid free keychains they were passing out at the divers who pulled the sea monster. They got really pissed. It was fun. I have no idea what to get my High Priest for Soulstys. I'll probably just get him some vinyl. Henry trumped me and is giving all of us the best Soulstys gift ever by going back on the air. I kind of wish we were going out of town. I feel like I'd like to get away. Vegas was a drag. Maybe we could go to Mexico or up to Frisco.

Yesterday was a tour of Goth Boy's building which has to happen once a year because it's a historic building. There were a million retards wandering all around the halls. There was some fucking contest or some other bullshit about who could find all the gargoyles. It was so annoying. People kept knocking on the door to ask if they could see the unit. Total mood breaker. We finally just left the door open but the chain on so everyone could hear us going for it. I'm surprised they didn't leave scratch marks on the door.

confessions of The Shadow * 7:53 PM

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Saturday, December 10, 2005

Waiting for my High Priest to get back so we can go. I've been so fucking busy with work and school. Next week is end of semester until January. We put our Soulstys tree up. It looks pretty damn good still. Tomorrow I might make some Jack and Sally cookies with Patty. She says she's moving to New York with Rad. Funny that she doesn't say she's moving there with Shag. I wonder how he feels about that.

Mr. Steve and Shug found themselves a really cool house downtown they're moving into this weekend. The first thing Mr. Steve moved in was an 8 foot fake pink xmas tree. He's decorated it with white plastic chains and Jack in the Box heads and coke can tabs and AOL cd's. It's actually not so bad. Kinda glittery. On top for a star or whatever, he put a pink little girl's flashlight.

My High Priest and I've been really in a groove lately. We've been practicing our EMO techniques and we're starting to get really good. I don't know how to explain it, but whenever I see him I crave him. It's unspoken between us. It doesn't need to be said. I can't really explain it. It's like our bodies talk to each other. It's way cooler than I thought it would be. I knew it would be hot and totally sexy, but more than that, it's just so fucking cool.

I've been thinking a lot about my life lately. Not just how shitty it is or has been, but what I'm supposed to do with it. What am I supposed to do with it? I feel like it's wide open. All of a sudden I don't feel like I'm held down anymore. I have a little money. I have enough. I have skills. I know people. I know things. I don't know everything, but I know enough to get by. It's weird, but I used to think I was so far behind everyone else. I used to think other people had so much and knew so much that I didn't. Now I know different. Nobody knows anything until they've done it or had it done to them.

So where to from here? Anywhere. If I want to live and work in Australia, I can. If I want to go to New York City, I can. If I want to get married and squeeze out some little puppies, I could. Not that I want to, but I could if I wanted. So do I want to go to NYC and be an artist? Do I want to go to Oz and be an expatriot? Or do I want to stay where I am and groove with my High Priest?

confessions of The Shadow * 5:38 PM

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Tuesday, December 06, 2005

Life is changing at a rapid pace. Rhonda said it's just my 20's. Whatever. She made me watch Mr. Baby today while she made her pies. He's a fun date. Anyway, when I was over there we talked about everything. This is what happens when you're with Rhonda. You could start out talking about the weather and in two seconds you end up telling her your most secret secrets. I don't know why. She should be a spy breaker or a therapist or a talk-show hostess.

Something's wrong. I don't know what. It's not just Gio. There's a weird feeling I have that something's just wrong. It's one of those I can't put my finger on it things. I keep trying to push it away, but it's just a heavy feeling. I don't know how to ignore it anymore.

Would you like some Rhonda gossip? Okay, here something I'll bet you would all be surprised to know. She was in nursing school a long time ago. She was on her way to being a nursie poo with her little white hat and all. Then she and Jimmie were driving out on PCH and they saw this accident in front of them. They pulled over right after the driver ditched it into a light pole. So they get out to help her out and it turns out that she wasn't wearing a seatbelt of course. So to keep her stable Rhonda had to lean way over the side of the car and hold her legs to try to keep her from slipping and possibly severing her cord. Meanwhile Jimmie had gone to call 911 because this was like way before they had cellphones. So for like 20 minutes Rhonda was on her tiptoes, leaning over the side of this car, holding this idiot's legs so she couldn't shift. This ended up ruining Rhonda's chances of getting into nursing school because she can only lift about 10 lbs max. She had to go to a lot of physical therapy for her back and what do you think happen to the stupid drunk bitch? She killed herself later that summer, probably after ruining some more lives.

See why you shouldn't help people? Let that be a lesson to you. This is Universal question. Is anyone an island? What is my obligation to my fellow man or woman? I don't know. I feel like I don't want to know anyone. Except for the people I already know. That's it. Club's closed. I just can't have any more people in my life. I might like them. I might want to get close to them. What then? I think it was a good thing when I ditched my old apartment. I closed a chapter in my life and it's like I don't even care. I don't give a shit. Fuck everyone. I can't be one with all. I can't be a part of the universal cosmic connection. I can hardly handle my own fucking life.

Do you know how hard it is to get through my day? It's enormous. I don't even want to get out of bed more than half the time. I do it. I get through it, but it's only so I can have a minute to myself. I only work so I can support myself to do what I want. I'm not an artist. I'm not an actress. I don't have any great gift to humanity from my soul. I don't give a fuck, either. I'm here. I have a brain. I have a pussy. I have a life. Deal with me. Or don't. I don't fucking care.

confessions of The Shadow * 8:38 PM

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thursday, December 01, 2005

So fucking unbelievable. My life is a merry-go-round of insanity. Evidence of insanity - First off I had to transport my fucking stepfreak like practically the minute I clocked in. I had no time to think or react. Training kicked right in, glad to say. I treated him like any other patient. He was all skitch with me and concerned that I would tell my monster. As if I fucking cared. Which is what I told him. I called him Mr. Hislastname the whole time, you know to be totally professional. I explained to him HIPAA and all that confidentiality shit. I also explained to him that I wouldn't ever tell my monster because A) I pretty much planned on never having to speak to her again, and B) I don't fucking give two black shits about him, or her, or anything at all from that end of the Universe. He wouldn't even look at me. What a fucking pussy. He came in for something really embarasing, too. My Charge asked me what the deal was and I told her he was my stepfreak and that we hated each other's guts. She was impressed with my professionalism. Am I professional? Or do I just not give a shit?

Evidence of insanity - Part 2. So today is AIDS Awareness day so Rhonda had this idea that we'd all go to a matinee of RENT and go buy something at the Aids Assistance League. So I brought a lamp and some costume jewelry I felt I could part with and I ran down there to meet everyone before we head out for the movie. Who did we run into at the AAL? Rad's ex, Patty's ex, one of Goth Boy's ex's, and Boring Boy. So fucking unbelievable. Boring Boy is all over me with the Hey, how's it been? Friends of mine are dead, I told him. He got all sad eyed and wanted to talk about it. Meanwhile Miss Mary Sunshine is standing like right fucking behind the dumb ass motherfucker. That is so the last time I try to help a dork and a virgin get laid. Not to say that Miss Mary needs any help, but seriously. So while that's going on Goth Boy's ex comes up to him and is like Hi, it's been a while and Patty's ex is giving Patty's Man the stink eye. It was like fucking junior high all over again. At first Rad and his ex were kind of sniping at each other and bitching each other out and then the next time I saw them they were over by the kitchen stuff making out. Figures.

So we sold our stuff at Peekaboo and we each bought something at AAL and we went to see RENT and then I had to jet right after to make it to work without being late. Can I just tell you something unfuckingbelievable? I haven't been late to work once. Not once! And I take three freeways to get there. That ain't really a big deal, though. I live in SoCal. It takes three freeways to get anywhere of distance.

Now I'm home and I have a stack of mail I have to go through. Bills, bills, bills. What a mundane, tedious existence. I shouldn't dare bitch. Life is pretty fucking good actually. I am The Sex Popess of the World. I'm starting my stripper class again soon. I have friends who love me. I have a High Priest who loves me. I'm in school. I have a decent job. My car loves me. I'm healthy. Well, my body is healthy. I'm young. I'm hot. I know how to work my brain. Henry Rollins and Ian MacKaye are still the procurers, creators, patrons, and merchants of the necessary cool that gets me through the day. I have no reason to bitch. When I feel like cranking all I have to do is sit in Goth Boy's chair across the mantel from Gio. I'm not seperated from my body that's been reduced to ash. I'm not blended back into the Universe. I'm still me. I'm still here. I'm still breathing, and thinking, and trying.

So I can have an unfuckingbelievable day. I can have it all day long. Bring it on, motherfuckers. I know something now. I know there might be a drunkass motherfucking redneck driving a minitank with my name on it. I know it. It's cool. I'm just trying to live every day without apology. So please understand if I have to tell you to fuck off. If I have to push you out of my way, please try to see it from my point of view. It's nothing personal. I just have a life to live and I can't let you get in my way.

confessions of The Shadow * 11:25 PM

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~