Sunday, November 20, 2005

Yeah, so I been busy. Work, work, work. It's the Shagmoor way. Rad and Patty signed up for some kind of holiday boutique and Carey and Rhonda almost have all the jewelry inventory they need so they're getting together for this big thing. It's actually going to be really cool. They're doing a jewelry/fashion show, but it's more punkerama than anything else. We're having it in Ben's loft. There will be a ton of people and a ton of food and people walking around in the jewelry and in Patty and Rad's clothes and we're going to sell everything and get Carey out of the dark red.

Now if we can only figure out a way to get Binh and Caitlin out of the dark blue. Wouldn't that be nice? Wouldn't it be cool if we could all as a group go a few months or a year even without anything totally fucked up and traumatic happening? Or are we all bonded together because we know we're born under a dark cloud like Henry and Joe? And Gio?

Caitlin has lost even more weight. She tries to smile, but it makes her look even more sad when does. Brigid says she's moving back and her new man doesn't want her to go. Everything is so fucked up. We go awhile and then it just jacks up again. It's so fucked. But what can we do? We are The Sunnyside Orphans, The Crew, The Shagmoor Symphony, and we are who we are and what will be, will be. Deal with it.

confessions of The Shadow * 10:38 PM

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Friday, November 11, 2005

Life fucking sucks. Are you sick of me saying it? I can't stop. It's my professional opinion of my situation in relation to my surroundings. This life fucking sucks. Is this it forever?

I'm doing okay on money. I'm doing way more than okay on sex and relationships. I'm in school. I have a decent job. My car is my friend. I have enough access to vinyl to keep me entertained for a while. I'm going to see Henry Rollins with everyone else in Vegas. I am The Sex Popess of The World.

I have everything I need. I'll get everything I want or I'll stop wanting it. I don't know what to do with my heart. I know how to fuck. I know how to be a friend. I know all about companionship. I know how to be on a team and in a group. I can be a cold-hearted bitch when I need to be. But there's more than that.

I have a heaviness in my heart. It's logical. It's understandable. I get it. It's cool. I'm not trying to get rid of it. I'm not trying to pretend it's not there. I just don't know what to do about it. Do I just wait for it to go away? Will it? It still hasn't faded all that much for Henry. I feel like I'm always pushing away tears. I've cried for Gio. I remember his kisses and other things. I've said goodbye. I know he's not really gone. I really do accept that he's just a dream away. I know that he's still around. So why do I have this heaviness in my heart?

It feels like my whole body is heavy. My hair and eyelashes feel heavy. I feel like if I don't keep myself super busy all the time I'll explode in tears. I don't understand why this would all affect me so much. I feel so bad for Caitlin. She's become a complete zombie. She hasn't been eating. Ben discharged her, but he might admit her again. Rhonda took Mr. Baby to see if he could cheer her up. She just started crying again.

Fuck it all. I don't know what to do. Maybe Patty's Man is the genius of us all. Work through it. Kick it's ass. That's his answer to everything. Jesus God I wish someone would tell me how to stop feeling so bad.

confessions of The Shadow * 12:29 AM

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Sunday, November 06, 2005

I put my part of Gio in a black Chinese heart-shaped box. It's got a bird sitting on a tree branch on it all done in mother of pearl. I hope he's comfortable there. I think I read somewhere that Henry keeps Joe in a baby food jar. I hope that's not true. I hope he's got Joe in a beautiful box and that he keeps him in a beautiful place close to his heart. But probably not. He's probably got him in a shoebox in the back of the closet. It's not my business. That's between Henry and Joe.

My High Priest took Gio's box and set it up on the mantel. He said we'll keep him there where he's safe and warm. I am out of bed. I am showered. I am getting back to it. It's hard. I feel sometimes that I have a concrete core in my belly. Is this grief? I'm in mourning. Good thing I have so much black.

The wake was typical us. We took over Rhonda and Jimmie's house and all the babies hung out in Mr. Baby's room. Binh went in there and played with them all. She was smiling and holding them and she fed them all. I would have thought that would make her fall apart, but she seemed happy. Rachel was in there talking with her for a long time. Drew got amazingly drunk of course. We divided Gio evenly because Rhonda has a dry weight scale. Everyone got 1/12 of Gio.

His wake ended up lasting until late last night. We played vinyl and told stories about him. Rhonda and Carey cooked their heads off and Carey made her enchiladas again because that's one of Gio's favorites. The only person who wasn't into it was Caitlin. It's crazy but I think his death has aged her. She looks like all the life has left her face and she moves like a robot. She won't go very far from the doctor. She's not going back to San Francisco. I don't know what Brigid will do. Her new man is really into her. I was talking to him and he's pretty cool for a stuffed shirt. They're all into dressing up all the time now. I don't know. I can't see Brigid and Caitlin separated, but maybe it's time.

Katrin and I went to see Mother Holley. She gave me a blessing and she talked with us about messages. She said there was no advance warning system from The Universe. Otherwise how could 9/11 have happened? She said that nothing can interfere with the growth of a soul and what's agreed upon will be. Fine. Then what the fuck was that dream all about? Was The Universe just fucking with me? Mother Holley said no. She said the dream wasn't about Gio, it was about me. She said the dream was about what I need to focus on. It doesn't make any sense to me. She said to explore the dream in meditation. I don't really know how to meditate, but Katrin showed us some method she's been learining.

The guys went surfing and we stayed in the house to work some stuff out. Someone has to move all of Caitlin's stuff back down. Mr. Steve and Jimmie are flying up there tomorrow to help Brigid pack up all Caitlin and Gio's stuff. One of them will drive the U-haul back and the other will drive Gio's truck. Mr. Steve hasn't said much since he's been back. I'd like to know what happened to the little Mrs. but what the fuck ever. I'll leave it for another day.

Goth Boy and I are doing okay. He was mad at Katrin and Carey but now he seems all right. He's in town until after the holidays. I can't believe I have him all to myself for so long. I have to work tonight. It's been okay going to work. School is okay, too. Sometimes I meet Miss Mary Sunshine for lunch. She's so funny. You should see this list of questions she had for Rollins. I actually would have like to see his answers. We'll just file that under things that will never be.

confessions of The Shadow * 1:59 PM

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Tuesday, November 01, 2005

I would like to report an assault and battery. This morning I was dragged from my High Priest's bed and forced into a shower with my t-shirt still on. I was yelled at and there was crying and some screaming. I was offered drugs but I refused them. I like my pain and sorrow. I don't give it away for free.

Katrin and Carey are on Goth Boy's hit list. Katrin tried to talk to him but he shut her down. Everyone's shit is all upside down now. I have a doctor, a priestess, a psychologist, and my boyfriend all on my back. I don't know what to do. I just started my job and I can't take time off. I said that Gio was my brother and I only get three days bereavement. I have to go back to work on Thursday.

I just want to stay under the covers. I don't know what's what. I hate whoever sent me that dream. They sent it to the wrong person. I don't know what to do with that shit. They should have sent it to Katrin or Caitlin. Why did they pick me? They should have known I would fuck it all up. I did what I was supposed to. I told Katrin about it immediately. I called Gio to make sure he was okay. He was surrounded by his friends. He sounded happy. What the fuck else was I supposed to do?

I don't understand why I'm being fucked with. I'm just doing my thing. I'm just working and hanging out with my priest and my friends and doing my thing. I don't jump in anyone's shit. I don't fuck with anyone's game. I just do my thing. Why do I get fucked with? What is this shit?

The whole Mommy thing is over. I'm not playing games with her anymore. I don't fuck with her, I don't let her fuck with me. Can it just be over now? The whole work thing is over. Fine, I fucked up. I let my anger screw me out of the tech program. Well, I got a new job and I'm going through the program on my own. I go to class. I go to work. I fill out my reports and I do my labwork. Is that handled? Is it cool now? I am the Sex Popess of the World. I study, I'm learning my craft. I do my best to be the person I think I'm supposed to be. Why am I being fucked with?

I feel like just doing whatever the fuck I want. I feel like going over to my monster's house and smashing all her crystal and throwing all her precious orchids into the pool. I want to take her stupid Japanese knife set and use it on all the suede furniture and that stupid fucking portrait of her and her goddam dogs.

I feel like walking into Buffalo Exchange and grabbing bitchface by her hair and throwing her to the ground. I want to kick her in the face until she passes out. Then I want to drive to San Francisco and find that fucking hillbilly from Modesto who killed Gio. I want to hit him on the head with a bowling ball in a diver's net. When he wakes up he'd be duct-taped to a chair and I'd have a battery connected to his balls. I'd ask him what his poison was and he'd probably say lite beer because he's a worthless fucking drunk piece of shit. I'd pour lite beer all over him and then I'd charge the battery. The fire would start in his crotch and then he'd be a fireball on his way to hell.

Okay, I'm out of bed. I've taken a shower. I'm going to get dressed and go out and eat with my high priest. I am taking to heart everything the doctor and Eliza's dad have said. I feel like that old chick in Steel Magnolias. I have to get out of bed, because Gio can't. I have to go out in the sun, because Gio can't. I have to live even more of life, because Gio can't.

I hate life. I have to go to his funeral tomorrow and I've already said that I wouldn't go to anymore. Is that what this is about? Is The Universe fucking with me because I said that? Is The Universe fucking with me because of the spirit circles? I don't know. I don't know anything anymore.

confessions of The Shadow * 11:49 AM

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