Thursday, September 29, 2005

I've been talking to Katrin almost all day. I had a crazy dream and I woke up and called her. She was at work, but she called me back as soon as she got home. I told her the dream and it freaked her so much that she got off the phone with me to meditate. Then she called me back after a while and she told me to just be still and that she would call Mother Holley for me. That kind of freaked me out.

Okay, so here's the dream I had.

I was sitting somewhere sleazy. It was like the dirty donut shop on 2nd street. It was dark outside and everything was empty. I was alone, and I was sitting in this horrible sleazy dirty donut shop and all of a sudden something hit the glass window next to me. I screamed and jumped up. It was Head Injury Boy. He slammed into the window like someon had thrown him against the wall. I ran outside and he was gone. So I walked down the street looking all around for him. The streets were empty. There's no sound in this dream. It's like the TV is on mute.

Then I heard someone kind of crying. All of a sudden I was back in the ED at Memorial where we all used to work. Medics were rushing a gurney stat through the back doors to Trauma Main. We all were there. Carey and Rhonda. The Crew. Everyone, including Mr. Steve and that chick, Rachel. I looked at myself, you know how you can in dreams, and I was wearing my Memorial scrubs with my badge and everything. My hair was long and blond. Everyone was crowded all around working the trauma. I moved in closer, which totally would not even happen in real life, and then I was the only one in the room besides Head Injury Boy who was on the gurney.

He was just laying there all still and he was a total trauma. Blood everywhere, ripped clothes, only wearing one Converse black classic. His head was open and oozing blood and the milky brain juice from the cranium. That wouldn't happen in real life either. The blood and brain juice mix, they're not like oil and water. His cranium was open and his left temp was smashed, or compressed. His ear was almost totally torn off, but his eyes were fluttering. I leaned in close to look at him and then he just breathed really loud. It was so loud it sounded like it was all around me. Then he was just gone. The gurney was empty and fresh. I looked around again and I started walking the halls of Memorial. I opened the door to the Peds ED but instead of going into Peds ED I was standing in front of the house on Brooks. I just stood there in front of the house. It was dark and I was really scared. Then this total sense of peace came on me. I felt like I was surrounded by peace and it was like that one night when we went to the grove with Mother Holley.

I woke up. I have never had a dream like that before. I am not one of those Stephen King people who are like "I just had the weirdest dream." Nothing like that has happened to me before. I usually get the music thing. I hear the same song three or more times in a row. I don't know what the fuck this is about. I called Head Injury Boy and asked him if he was okay and he was like, yeah, what's your problem? I know he knows I'm not into him. I don't know. I think it's freaky, but not in the good way. I like all that kind of shit, but not when it's happening to me. I would hate to be psychic. Unless it was to see the winning lotto numbers. I kind of don't want Mother Holley to call me. That would make it officially something I have to deal with. I just want Goth Boy to get his ass home. It's so weird. It's like he refuses to believe in that kind of stuff so it never touches him. No supernatural shit ever. That's a Goth Boy policy. I don't want to dream again. Carey said to reject the message and I should be fine. Easy for her to say. I told Patty about it and she kind of freaked out a little bit. She already rejected the message and she hasn't even received one.

I think this is just a random thing. My thing is getting a song three times in a row. Dreams are not my thing. Katrin and Carey have the dreams. I don't wany any dreams. I reject the message. And what the fuck is the message? Is Head Injury Boy going to have an accident? I hope not, but what the fuck does that have to do with me? I'm not even close to him. I don't even talk to him unless he comes this way to visit. What the fuck? I mean it would kind of make sense if I had that dream about Goth Boy or Patty's Man even, but I don't know why I would have a dream about Head Injury Boy. And why would I remember the whole thing all detailed like that? I don't know. I kind of don't care why. As long as it doesn't happen again.

confessions of The Shadow * 10:42 PM

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Tuesday, September 27, 2005

I'm not going to anymore funerals. I don't give a shit what anyone says or thinks. Fuck them all. I'll honor the dead in my own way and if anyone doesn't like it they can go fuck themselves with all the blessings of The Sex Popess of the World.

My High Priest is coming home tomorrow night. Not a moment too soon for me. Patty and Rad have been sewing like crazy. The stuff they make is so beautiful. It's all funkified and punk. I love it. Patty's always either designing or cutting or sewing or buying. Rad wants to get them in a fashion show thing that's through this promotions people he knows. I want Patty to be famous like Betsey Johnson. Rad asked her if she wanted to try out for one of those reality shows. She threatened him with the scissors. It was pretty funny. I watched the Tommy Hilfiger one here and there. It bored me mostly. They never have people on those shows that I can ever give a shit about. They only had one girl that I was even a little bit interested in. She was punky chubby chick from LA. She probably works as a retail slut in Silverlake or Hollywood or Venice.

We need our guys back. It's been a pussy fest this whole last week. I don't want to talk about anything anymore. I want my High Priest to come home so I can practice some new stuff with him. I just want to fuck all my pain away. Is that all right? I think it is. Why would people be able to comfort each other if they're not allowed to use it when they need it? I'm not saying it's a good thing to be imbalanced, but it's a good thing when balanced with everything else. That's the trick, right? To make sure you're not so involved in one thing that if it gets taken from you, you're destroyed? I would think so. I don't know what would destroy me. I've never been so involved with something like that. Things have been taken from me since I was potty trained. Probably before. I'm used to it now. I'm not a cupcake anymore.

Should I be happy about that? Should I be so glad that my mom is such a fucking idiot that I had to build my fortress? I guess so. I'd hate to fall apart like Binh. I'm afraid for L, too. If someone really hurt her, would she just fold up inside herself and never come back out again?

Now, for the real problem of the day. What will I do about that motherfucker at work who thinks it's funny to tell me what he's going to do to me when he gets me alone and naked? I want him absolutely gone. I don't want to have to see him or hear his stupid voice. I'll have to get him fired. How, how, how? I have to find out how management feels about him. If they like him it will be harder to get rid of him. Hopefully, they think he's as useless as I do. I'll have to slowly turn everyone in the department against him. I'm thinking sabotage. I'll have to be really nonchalant and then sabotage him until everyone thinks he's a fuck-up. I'll have to work it out so the charge and the docs complain about him. This will take a little planning, but I'll get it done. He's so disgusting. I wish I could throw him on a psych gurney with leather restraints and then I'd cut his balls off.

confessions of The Shadow * 8:00 PM

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Thursday, September 22, 2005

This whole life sucks. Some asshole at my new job thinks I want to fuck him and now I have to kick his ass. I just want to grab him from the back of his head and slam his face into the CT monitor until he's wearing it for a necklace. I won't even mention it to anyone else because of everything else that's going on.

Drew and Binh's baby died. It was a little boy and it wasn't born yet. She had abdominal and pelvic pain and then she had a fetal demise. What sucks the most, besides your baby being dead, is that you still have to deliver the baby. So she had to deliver her dead baby and go through the contractions and pushing and everything. Drew is so sad he keeps crying and Binh just won't talk at all.

There's this darkness over everything. It's like they dimmed the lights in the theater. Everything sucks. I'm not even that close to Drew and Binh. I like her and I just feel so bad for her because this is her big thing. All she ever wanted was to get married to a guy who loved her and have kids and be a mom and have the life. Drew is crazy. He was so happy to be a dad. This whole thing just sucks. Everyone's coming out for the funeral on Saturday. I went with the doctor to pick out the casket. He has experience with these things.

I just want to sit here and listen to all the different versions of Gloomy Sunday Goth Boy put on my iPod. Life fucking sucks so hard. I don't even want to tell Patty or Liza because even though they don't know Drew and Binh, they'll start crying.

This sucks. Life sucks. Why would God or the Universe or whatever give a little baby and then take it right back? What a psychout. Why would Binh deserve that? She's like the total opposite of me. She's sweet, kind, and forgiving, and one of those really good souls who are just so wonderful and real. She's like Liza in a lot of ways and her parents are still married and totally think she's the greatest thing that ever happened. Coincidence? I don't think so.

I want to scream and hit someone. Ben kept squeezing my hand today. He would just reach over and grab my hand and squeeze it really hard and then let it go. He's so Mr. Nice Guy. Carey called me today crying and asking me if I would just please, please go with Ben to the funeral home because she couldn't stand it for him to have to go alone and no one else could get away and Sandee and the girls were on the way and everyone's coming but if I could just go be with him now. I said yes, yes, yes I'll do whatever and then I got to his loft and he was just sitting there in his cool leather chair. But he was upside down. He had his head on the seat and his legs over the back. I walked in and he said don't worry, I'm not trying to look up your skirt. I think he needs to get laid. This is probably not the time to bring it up.

Life fucking sucks. Have you heard?

confessions of The Shadow * 8:24 PM

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Friday, September 16, 2005

I'm at Rhonda's house with Mr. Baby. He's watching me blog. We are listening to Janis Martin because Rhonda declared tonight Rockabilly night. We are having another girl's night because all of our men are out of town except for Carey's man, because she doesn't have one right now and Eliza, because Sleeves is an asshole.

Actually, I shouldn't say Carey is manless. She's got tons of men, but she's not into them right now or so she says. She's now claiming to be Henry's fiancee. Another girl we met said that she's Henry's number one girlfriend, so Carey upped herself. They're secretly engaged and they're getting married just as soon as he stops touring for good. Ha! Like that'll ever happen.

Goth Boy and Patty's Man went to check up on clients. Fuck them. I don't care if they stay away for weeks. I'm so busy with my own life and when my high priest does come back I'll hve a thing or two to show him. Patty's feeling like that, too. That motherfucker Douglas has been sending her letters to her box. What a fucking dickhead. Now he's all "I'm here to assist you in any way that I can". How about fucking off? That would be a big help.

Jimmie went to Mexico to go fishing with his dad. The CrewBoyz, or what's left of them, the doctor and the Shug wanted to come over tonight, but Carey told them no. It's another girl's night and actually it's been really fun. I like Rhonda and Jimmie's house. It's so Pottery Barn gone old skool goth. We made Enchilada's with Carey's family recipe. I've never had Mexican food so good in my life. I'm not even kidding. I totally think she should bottle her sauce and sell it. Fucking put it on Dorito's and get it marketed on MTV. Yeah, if Sleeves doesn't blow them up first.

Tonight we've been listening to Wanda Jackson, Maria McKee, Janis Martin, Dusty Springfield, and Patsy Cline. We've been talking about sex and priests all night. Married sex is still hot, according to Rhonda. She and Jimmie have been together a long time and she says it's still hot because it never gets routine, but they know exactly how to turn each other on. That's really cool. Jimmie and Carey used to go out a million years ago. I asked her why she let someone like Jimmie go and she just told me to shut it. I wonder if she's ever jealous of Rhonda and Jimmie now? She doesn't show it if she is.

I have a dilemma. I happen to know that someone is fucking around on someone else. So do I tell them? Usually, I say no. Stay the fuck out of it. People are freaks and who knows? It could be part of their sex play. What the fuck do I care? As long as it doesn't really involve me. But this is kind of different. It's not just a cock and cunt thing. The one person may have a good reason for straying. But the other person will probably be wrecked whey they find out. And when they find out that I knew forever, what then? I don't know. I guess I'll just shut my mouth and take care of my own shit.

It was a lot of fun being here and making dinner and dessert with everyone. It's good to just be around girls with no man drama anywhere. Except for Baby. He's always great. It's just a cool vibe to be around a bunch of good pussy with no dick anywhere trying to fuck with it. If you know what I mean.

I guess I could get married and be with one guy forever. But only if it's going to be good like it is with Rhonda and Jimmie. If it's one of those nasty I hate you but I'm not done fucking with your life and why don't you love me the way you did before we got married kind of bullshit things, then fuck it. I'm gone.

confessions of The Shadow * 8:46 PM

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Wednesday, September 14, 2005

I haven't blogged in a long time. Sorry. I've been busy with my new job and school and having a fuck frenzy with my man.

I've been on a bummer since Sunday. This always happens after I visit Joe Cole. I don't go to his grave very often because I don't think he's there. He hangs out with Henry, I think. I went with Patty and L to go get some fabric and clothes from this nut up in Hollywood. This poor old hag was so lonesome she was desperate for us to stay and look at all these old pictures of her family. She wanted us to stay and have sandwiches and Patty and I were dying, but Miss Mary Sunshine looked at all her shit and was so totally nice to her. I just wanted to get out of there. The whole place smelled like old lady and death. I know what death smells like. It smells like this old hag.

I shouldn't say that. I shouldn't call her a hag. It's not her fault she's old and feeble and smelly. I did look at some of her pictures. She was a hottie back in the day. Back in the 50's she was a scriptgirl and then she married some director guy and then she had a bunch of kids and then he died on her and she got old. She was just lonely and L is so sweet and nice everyone wants to talk to her.

Finally we got out of there and wen to get some food. Then Patty asked me if I wanted to visit Joe since we were kind of in the area. How could I say no?

On the way over to Forest Lawn we told L the whole story of Joe Cole. Well, our version. Of course we don't the whole story of Joe Cole. By the time we got to Forest Lawn L was crying like a little baby and we had to sit in the car for minute for her to calm down. Then when we were walking up to the grave we all almost fell down the hill. I grabbed L's hand and then she grabbed Patty and up we went. We held hands coming down, too.

I get such weird sensations when I'm there. The first time I went I was by myself. This was just after I figured out who Joe Cole was. I mean who he was to me. That time I went into the flower shop and I was looking around at the flowers. I looked around and I saw all the beautiful flowers and I didn't know what he would like. Then I turned around and I looked down and there were daisies in a bucket. I just knew somehow that Joe didn't want anything fancy. I knew he wouldn't want me to spend my money on anything more than daisies. Empty gestures make him sick.

On Sunday when we went we forgot to get the plastic thing the flowers go in. So we get to the grave and L pulled up the grass on the hole and there were these big fat worms underneath and she screamed. I swear I could almost hear Joe laughing at us.

I've been in a little funk since Sunday. Goth Boy picked up on it right away. He guessed immediately that we'd gone to visit Joe even before big mouth L blabbed it to everyone.

I'm just kind of tired. Looking back on the last few months I can see so much has happened and I just want to go somewhere and forget who I am. No such luck anytime soon.

confessions of The Shadow * 6:13 PM

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Monday, September 05, 2005

I have the place all to myself. Patty took her man to San Francisco for overnight. Yesterday we had a picnic at Sunnyside. I wanted to be by the angel but Goth and the guys wanted to be in the back so we set up behind the crypts. I love it there. It's so peaceful and it's not as great as Hollywood Forever, but it's ours. We had Quizno's and Cold Stone and Samuel Adams and Brie and crackers and Sleeves brought his camera and shot it all. It was a good day. I had to work last night the grave shift. It's because I'm the FNG. I don't want to waste my day sleeping.

Goth Boy is on his way over after he gets the truck washed. We're going up to Silverlake for lunch and shopping. It should be a fruitful endeavor. I'm reading a really cool book right now. I'll tell you about it when I'm ready.

I know I'm a little boring right now, but it's only because things are so good. I guess hardship is exciting. Okay, here's something interesting. Did you know Sleeves wants to destroy MTV? Isn't that funny? He says it's a wolf in sheep's clothes. He wants to hold the programming directors hostage until they fix the programming, but his ultimate goal is the complete and total dismantling of MTV all over he world.

I'll tell you all about his Star Trek theory one day. God, he and E are so perfect for each other. She's got her Truth Theory and he's got all his crackpot theories. And I thought Goth Boy was radical when I met his brain.

confessions of The Shadow * 11:13 AM

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Thursday, September 01, 2005

We've been watching the news about the hurricane all day. I got home from school early and I don't have to work until Sunday. We went to the island and watched the trains being loaded. They're moving out with supplies and stuff, but I don't know if the trains are working in New Orleans and Mississippi. Drag.

I don't know what we'd do if anything like that happened in the LBC. It would be crazy. Goth Boy said we'd have to get to a hospital because he knows T-Com and I could be useful. Plus, we're so close to the island with the port and the military and all, I think we'd be okay. All the guys were arguing over the best way to survive and the doctor was saying that we should go over the bridges to San Pedro because it's higher ground. Maybe. I don't know. How can you be sure?

Maybe we'll just all climb on Patty's Man's monster.

I like my new job so far. I kind of forgot that it's in the OC. I should't care. It's a TC and that's good enough for me. Some of the people there are lame and there's one guy who's decided he's going to spend all his free time hitting on me. I told him I was a dyke, just to nip it in the bud. He's one of those retards who thinks it's sexy and now he really wants to fuck me. Ho hum.

School is okay. That stupid Allie McBeal wannabe is in one of my classes. What a treat. I kind of like how things are getting sort of back to normal. I have a place to live. I have a job. I'm in school. Everything in my life has completely changed in the last three months. All my friends are the same, though. And Goth Boy is still around. That's a good sign.

I'm starting a new stripper class. I'm learning about this extended massive orgasm thing. It's pretty cool.

So, will Rollins still play the House of Blues in New Orleans? Is the HoB still there? Maybe he'll transfer his show to Baton Rouge and make it a benefit.

confessions of The Shadow * 9:46 PM

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