Thursday, June 30, 2005

Yes, I'm still an unemployed asshole. Patty and I are making more t-shirts and other stuff. We're going to sell them this weekend at the swap. They make you pay your taxes at the door. We went over yesterday and made the doctor's loft totally fabulous. We hung up his drapes and put his bamboo in vases and cleaned the bathroom. It didn't really need it, but we wanted it to be fresh. We cleaned the mirrors and he made us some pizza on his new restaurant oven that's totally beefcake.

We're making tee-shirts and baby stuff for the swap. We're totally marketing towards the youth of today. People will buy almost anything cute if it's for a baby. We were going to the LBC swap, but it's better to go to the Goldenwest because it's cheaper and the tards down there in the OC will spend more especially if it's for precious baby. We hope we gouge them all. There's no chance of me running into my monster because it's the swap and she only shops high end retail.

Everyone is crazy after the whole King Tut thing. I have to go now but I'll blog it.
I promise.

confessions of The Shadow * 10:40 AM

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Monday, June 27, 2005

This whole fucking week sucked. I don't think San Pedro wants me. I don't know why. I think that bitch I interviewed with just didn't like me. I know that sounds lame but I can't think of any other reason why I wouldn't have gotten hired on. I'm still waiting on LAMC. Fucking San Pedro. I should write a letter. Yeah, like that'll get results.

Goth Boy and I got in a fight. He told me to leave Patty's Man alone. I was just trying to help even though he totally doesn't deserve to have me anywhere near him because he can be world's biggest asshole sometimes. I swear Patty's the best thing about him. My stepsister keeps trying to hook up with me. Well, not hook up but connect. I'm so fucking bored I can't believe I haven't started an escort service just for kicks and giggles.

Patty's mom is getting another divorce. I didn't know you could have two divorces in the same year. I guess it's possible but that even beats my monster's track record. It sure makes me run down the aisle. The doctor and the Shug came back from traveling. They brought everyone gifts and I got a really cool LP Soundtrack from some movie called Starstruck. Goth Boy is looking for it so we can watch it. Some of the songs are fun but I want to see the movie now. I don't care how bad it is.

The doctor and I went out to breakfast this morning. I told him all about the big jewelry heist and he thought it was really funny. He felt bad that I quit my job and said he'd write me a letter of reference if I needed it. I guess that would be cool. All the help I can handle, right?

I'm really fucking bored. I find shit to do all day but I'm not really doing anything. I need a fucking job, man. I need something to do. I'm going to start trouble soon if I don't find something to do.

So far I've been banned from touching the vinyl collection because I tried to organize it and my High Priest didn't find that cool at all. I've been banned from Patty's Man's cave because he's a giant asshole and big baby. Like I fucking care. I've been banned from talking to Brigid about her New Boy because I give "dubious" advice according to Carey. It's really because I empathize with her and no one else does. They all think she's blowing it with him and Carey doesn't think I'm old enough to understand the situation.

Fuck that. I am plenty old enough and I think that if things are an issue they're an issue. Fuck it. You can't not deal with shit just because it might rock the boat.

I'm going over to Rhonda's to corrupt Baby.

confessions of The Shadow * 3:30 PM

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Monday, June 20, 2005

I only made $981 at my yard sale. I'm not complaining. It was actually kind of fun. I'm supposed to hear back from San Pedro today. I'm trying not to sit around the house. I've already cleaned the house, which was already clean. I went over this morning to clean Patty's Man's cave but he kicked me out. Sometimes he can be a hard ass.

I've been helping Patty make bed sets to sell at the swap. It's a good gig. It's probably what's keeping me from losing my mind. My stepsister left a message for me to come to her place for dinner. I called her back and told her that I've given up eating for belly button lint. She thought that was cute. I told her I couldn't come because I've become addicted to BBC and IFC. I watch TV all fucking day now until Patty or Goth Boy or Carey comes over and makes me leave the house. I've listened to almost every single one of Goth Boy's LP's.

I've even been going over to Rhonda's to watch Baby while she takes a nap or shower. He's a nice little guy, Baby. I usually avoid the littler humans because we don't have no babies here and we don't want no babies here.

San Pedro better fucking call me today. I swear to the lords of darkness that if I don't get a job soon I'm gonna start working the door at some shithole. Maybe that's not such a bad idea. I should call Singer Boy and ask him about that. Would Rocker Boy shit his pants or what? I wonder how my High Priest would feel about that? My wheels in my head are spinning.

confessions of The Shadow * 2:12 PM

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Wednesday, June 15, 2005

If I don't get a job soon I'll become too lazy to ever have gainful employment again. Every morning I get up and make Goth Boy a huge obnoxious Texas breakfast. Then he leaves me so we aren't spending too much together. It's the secret to our success. Tonight I'm going to my stripper class. Patty's been helping me with the pole dancing. I quit going for a while but I'm into it again. I quit after I accidently hit my instructor with my whip. It was so embarrassing and I felt really bad because I made a mark on her arm. That's what I get for being a showoff. She called me and told me to come back to class. That was embarrassing too. But I went and I'm getting really good at the back bends and the slide thanks to my friend Carmen Electra.

I keep staring at my phone willing it to ring. I want San Pedro to call me and tell me to get my ass down there pronto because they can't run the hospital without me in the radiology tech program. Or LAMC. Either one. I'm kind of indifferent right now but I think I prefer San Pedro.

Yesterday I had to go to city college to register for the program. It was a fucking nightmare. First of all it's all bunch of idiots who barely graduated high school and are only going off to city college because all you need is a pen to get in. Plus, hardly any of the students speak english. Not that I care but hardly any of the staff speaks english either. It's a miracle anyone can communicate with anyone else. Maybe that's why things are so fucked up over there. Like the parking situation. I almost forgot how much I hate the director. I really do hate her in a totally non-personal way. She's kind of a pig. Her staff all hate her and she filled the whole place with starters so they only have like two classes on each campus and you can never talk to your instructor because they have to rush to the freeway and get to their next class which is on a campus like the other side of the county. She spent all kinds of millions on the D building to make it into an advanced sciences building and nothing looks hardly any different than when they started. She could have spent the money on something the students could actually use, like parking. How much could it possibly cost for them to just bite the fucking bullet and build a parking structure? The whole language arts building thing is really distressing. I hate the director because she's a bad leader. She mismanages her domain. It's unforgiveable.

I need to get a fucking job. I'm a worthless nothing. I've been watching asian soap operas all morning while I folded our laundry. When Patty gets out of class we're going on a CL run. We'll go again tomorrow and on Friday. Come to our yard sale you slags. Buy something you don't need that will just junk up your house. It's the American way and I'm trying to cash in.

confessions of The Shadow * 11:55 AM

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Monday, June 13, 2005

Practically this whole weekend I spent on a movie set with Patty. I can't stand being a jobless loser. Patty's doing wardrobe and make-up for this independent student film. It's really cool. It's a fake documentary, except that the story is actually true. So it's a film of a true story but it's shown like it's a documentary. Sorry if I'm not making any sense but I don't know how else to explain it. I went and hung out as Patty's assistant and we're both extras in the film. BFD.

It was actually kind of cool seeing all these people working their asses off for nothing. I mean not nothing really but no $$$. And everyone says it's all about the green. What a load of shit. I had fun. It was interesting. I still feel like a giant loser.

I forgot how fucking long it takes to get hired on at a hospital. It sucks. I spent all of today trying to register for the program over the phone system thing. The fucking thing is the worst idea anyone ever came up with. It's worse than welfare to work. It's worse than talking ATM's. It's worse than telephone dating. It's worse than communism and children of god witness dating. Needless to say I couldn't get the fucker to work. I think it's because they have my social security number wrong in the system. Maybe it's because I wasn't calling from the same phone I used last time. But that doesn't make sense to me. People move and change their number all the time. I think it's because the fucktards in the admissions department have my social wrong even though it's supposedly been corrected twice. Now I have to go all the way up there tomorrow and stand in line with the rest of the animals and fucking deal with them face to face.

Yeah, like I have anything better to do with my life right now. I fucking deserve this for being such a hothead. No one would believe how clean Goth Boy's place is right now. Patty's Man's cave, too. Jesus God I need a fucking job. I am losing my mind. I started writing my instruction book for phone sex. It amuses me. I wonder if I could sell it on eBay or something?

This week Patty and I are taking Goth Boy's truck on a CL run all over town so we can have a garage sale this weekend. I'm going to kick some bad ass on this sale. I'm gonna clear a couple hundred at least. Watch me. No, really. Come by and watch me do it. And donate some shit, you cheap bastards.

confessions of The Shadow * 6:49 PM

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Friday, June 10, 2005

Goth Boy isn't seeing anyone else. That chick who was lurking around his place is actually my stepfreak's daughter. She likes to call herself my stepsister but you know. So she was looking for me because I quit my place and I quit my job. She said my monster is hiring a private investigator to find me. Isn't that hysterical. A fucking private investigator to find me because I'm like in the next fucking town right? Like she can't just fucking call my old boss and ask Scrad where the fuck I am? Or she could fucking email me. Actually I don't think she can. I think I blocked her like a year ago.

So my lovely stepsister comes by looking for Goth Boy but really looking for me and she catches me coming out of the building. I tried to walk past her but she wouldn't let me. She makes me go out to coffee with her. Literally. She kidnapped me like I was a Nicaraguan politician. No, she didn't. That's a total lie. She just was totally reasonable with me and that's my weakness. When people make total sense and are reasonable with me it's kind of impossible for me to be an emotional psycho bitch from hell like I want to be sometimes.

So we went to House of Hatin' as I like to call it and we had some drinks. She's so sensible, my imaginary stepsister. That's probably why she got property and I got a lump of coal in my stocking. Fuck it. I don't give a shit. Forever I've been saying I never wanted anything from my monster and I finally get my wish and look at the trouble it's caused. Well, hopefully this is my last entry in the Fuck You Diaries of Monster and Boo.

She came by to fill me in on all the dramarama down in the OC since the greatest heist in the history of ever. She said that after Goth Boy and I left that night monster was really bitter and went into this whole story of how she failed me and how she just wanted us to be friends. I laughed at that and stepsister said it was actually really sad. She said sometimes monster cries and that's one of the reasons stepfreak doesn't like me. She says in their own twisted way they've tried to reach out to me. I know this is true. But it's fucked. They're fucked and they're so fucked they can never comprehend how fucked they are. It's like those psychos in California City who think God wants them to have a billion wives and kids each and just can't wait for the government to step in so they can have a huge gunfight for the guts and glory.

She said that my brother is a freakshow. Well, duh. How come when I say it no one listens? She said he was really creepy around monster and was hugging her and kissing her cheek and stroking her hand all night. He acted practically like a jealous lover around stepfreak. She said he talked shit about me all night to monster and stepfreak. So typical. She said that he told them I was a heroin addict and that Goth Boy was a dealer and that's how he made his money. Right. Like Mr. Straight Edge of the Universe would ever. She said he told them that we were notorious partiers up in the LBC. Yeah, sure.

This is so typical. This is the basis of my entire life long frustration and bitterness with my monster dearest. She can't fucking think for herself. She says she wants to be my friend but she believes every drop of shit she hears about me. Anything negative and just swallows it whole without even tasting it. Why is this? Because my friend and I got caught shoplifting keychains at Disneyland when we were in 5th grade? Yup. That's my big criminal track record. Susie Rutan dared me and I did it and then that little bitch Melina Rodriguez told on us. Big Fucking Deal. I knew stealing is wrong. I just didn't think anyone would notice and I didn't want to be a pussy. There you go. My big gig as a thief. I had to do community service by emptying garbage cans at the city park for 3 months. I did my time. I paid for my crime. Oh, and I had to write an essay why shoplifting is wrong.

Would you like to hear my brother's track record? Should I tell you all about the Golden Child's illustrious career of breaking into houses when he was 14? Or how about when he and his friends stole one of their teacher's cars and crashed it? Or how about how he's been fired from a million and five jobs for slacking? Did you know when he was a janitor at this one place he stole so many office supplies the guy had to take out a loan to cover his losses? Did you know that he was in prison for all his drug offenses? Or how about all the other shit he's done? All the dirty little secret stuff like touching kids in their private places? No, we can't talk about that. That's not allowed. Besides, none of that means anything. That's all just in the past. Why bring it up? It hurts monster's feelings when people talk bad about her son. Why can't people give him a chance? He's a good person. What does it matter that he's stolen from her before? Who cares about his past, about what an evil person he is? As long as he walks the walk and talks the talk of the Golden Boy from The OC. All he has to say is that he's sorry and that Jesus is showing him the way and they open their arms to him like the fucking protigle son.

He makes me want to vomit.

I told stepsister about all that shit. She said that she and her brother know I'm right about Golden Child and that they know Goth Boy and I had nothing to do with the jewelry missing. The police said the house hadn't been broken into, so it was one of us that must have done it. She said they're focusing on the "domestics" too. That's her word for the help.

I asked her why she came to see me and she said she was worried about me, why?, and that she wanted to just let me know what was going on. I told her how the police came to my work and totally humiliated me. She said she was sorry. I told her about how I quit and that I'd given up my apartment and my car. She didn't understand any of that. She never will. I have to cleanse myself of all of it. I have to get their stink off me.

She said the police initially thought it was suspicious that Goth Boy and I left early and that I kept saying that I didn't want any of their shit. They listened to monster and stepfreak repeat all the shit that the Golden Child had said to them. Then the police came back and said they couldn't find anything about either of us. Well, fucking duh. She said she hoped they checked out her and her brother, too. She said they were even investigating monster and stepfreak to make sure it wasn't insurance fraud. So there's all these investigators now. There's the insurance guys and the security guys who were supposed to come and pick the stuff up and now monster and stepfreak have hired their own private investigator. Because the police and two other investigators aren't enough. Because monster and stepfreak are so goddam fucking important.

I don't know. We left it the way it is. I told her thanks for looking me up. She asked for my phone number and I told her she didn't need it because I had hers. She just laughed at me and said have it your way. Thank you, I will.

confessions of The Shadow * 11:45 AM

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Saturday, June 04, 2005

Now I'm carless on top of being homeless. No one wants to rent to me because I don't have no fucking job, man. I sold my car to a really nice girl this morning. I got $3700 for it. Not bad. I got it for free because my former asshole roommate skipped on the rent and left the car like the fucking idiot he was. Tomorrow I pick up my new car which is a little Mercedes 240D. It's really cute and it only has 143something thousand miles. Patty's Man says diesel miles are different than gas miles so we cut them in half.

I went to my job interview yesterday. I don't know. The woman who interviewed me was kind of a bitch. So I was a little bitchy back. Maybe she was just having a bad day. Maybe she's been having a bad life. I don't know what she wanted. She was asking me the standard questions about team player and all that kind of shit. Then out of the blue she goes "If a patient said something inappropriate to you, what would you do"? I told her it depended on the situation. Then she asks me if it was sexual in nature what would I do. I told her it still depended on the situation. If I took the patient seriously I'd tell them to knock it off, if I didn't I'd probably ignore it. If it was a little old man I'd probably flirt back with him.Then she asked me if a patient said something racial what would I do? I told her I'd just flat out ignore it. Then I asked her why she was asking all these questions? Did they have big problems with that kind of stuff all the time? Then she just went on to the next section. I don't know it was really hard to read her. I've decided to just let it ride for now. I'm interviewing at LAMC on Tuesday. Fuck 'em. I have skills. I'll get another job somewhere. I'll just enroll into the program through city college on my own without backing. It will cost a shitload more but as long as I get training I don't care.

I think Goth Boy might be seeing someone on the side. There was a girl in the lobby asking for him the manager told me. I'm gonna kick his fucking ass when he gets back tonight. Manager lady said a pretty young girl was asking for him and asking what unit was his. She wouldn't leave a message and manager lady told her Goth Boy was away. She didn't mention me. Maybe it's just some crazy ex of his looking for something.

I swear I'm going to kill him if this turns out to some fucking baby daddy drama.

confessions of The Shadow * 1:45 PM

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Wednesday, June 01, 2005

I spent all day redoing my resume and getting myself together. Goth Boy has made himself scarce. We need time alone from each other. Tomorrow I have an interiew with San Pedro. I checked out their program. They have hyperbaric there which is cool but they don't have as many rooms as the other places I've worked. I don't know. Maybe I won't even get the position. If I do then it's only if I can get in the radiology training program at the city college which may be a problem if it's impacted.

I washed all the new dishes and glasses and put them away. I think they're better than the ones I smashed so whatever. I'm going out tonight with Patty and some other people. No guys. I don't really go for hen nights and all that girl's night out shit but I'll go. What the fuck else do I have going on right now? I'm unemployed, uneducated, homeless, and I'm selling my car tomorrow night. Oh, yeah. And I'm under investigation for the heisting of all my monster's dynasty jewelry.

What do I care? I'm getting my hair cut and dyed Saturday. Soon I will lose a 1000 pounds off my soul because I've cut all ties with my monster and her freakshow. I have a High Priest who is insanely devoted to me. I am the Sex Popess of the World.

confessions of The Shadow * 7:09 PM

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