Tuesday, May 31, 2005

This morning I didn't want to get out of bed. I wanted to mope and cry all day. Goth Boy wouldn't have it. He dragged me, for reals, out of bed and made me get up and be human. He keeps reminding me that I'm the Sex Popess of the World. It's true. This is no way for a Popess to act.

I told my landlord last night that I was leaving. He was extatic. Now he can turn my place over for another $250 at least. Bastard. I'm not moving in with Goth Boy. I'm just crashing until I get my shit together. Realign your life. He's sort of staying here but he's always over at Patty's Man's cave anyway. I went back to work today and turned in my scrubs and my badge and my locker key. I had to go to the HR people and sign a shitload of documents. I had to make a statement about why I left. Goth Boy called while I was writing it and he told me he didn't think telling the truth was a good idea. What if it came back to bite me in the ass? No thanks. In the end I just wrote that I was very grateful for the oppportunites extended to me, but unfortunately circumstances prevented my staying with the establishment. Simple, but effectively true.

I got my new phone today. What a royal pain the ass. I had to keep my old one so that I could transfer all the numbers. Goth Boy tried to show me how to download them onto the palm and then go from there to the new phone but I couldn't get it to work. He and Patty's Man totally cleaned out my apartment today. How come it takes girls weeks to pack and two guys can move a whole apartment in hours? We put most of my shit over at Patty's Man's place until I can get a new apartment.

I'm so bummed. God I hate my mother so fucking much.

Then Goth Boy and I went down to the police station to talk to the stupid fucktard cops who are investigating us. Only the other one of them was there. They "interviewed" us seperately. It was fabulous. We had to give them a list of names and numbers of people who can verify our alibi. Good thing Goth Boy saves receipts of every damn thing he pays for. He pulled out receipts from the parking garage, the bar, the 711, the other parking place. He told me later that he told the cops which places have cameras that probably recorded our being there and everything.

I still kind of can't believe this is even happening. What do I expect? Was I actually falling for her mommy and boo bullshit? I want to be involved in your life. So you accuse me of robbing you of all your obnoxious Dynasty shit? I cannot fucking stand her. I keep hearing her voice in my head. I look in the mirror and I see her. I'm so glad she totally redid her face. She looked a lot like me in the 70's. Now we don't look anything alike. It's better that way.

New phone, new email, all done. Now I just have to get a different car and a new job and a new place to live. I'm coloring my hair. I don't want to be a blond anymore. I want to be dark brown. I don't want to look anything at all like her. I cut my nails off today. I went through my clothes and threw everything she'd bought me in a bag for the salvation army. Patty wanted to take some of it but I couldn't let her. It's all poisoned. I gave Goth Boy all that old gold jewelry I had from when I was a kid. He wants to sell it on eBay but I think that's wrong. I think it should be melted down into a bullet for my monster's brain.

When I was little she used to buy me all these porcelain dolls for my birthday. You get them at the card stores. They are these gaudy painted girls in dresses and each one is draped over a number. Every birthday she would give me the number of whatever age I'd just turned. I hated them then and when Goth Boy was at my place moving me he called and said hey baby listen to this. He and Patty's Man smashed them all for me over the phone. It was fucking great. They asked me what they were supposed to do with all the Disney crap and I said smash it but Goth Boy wants to sell that on eBay, too. What do I care? I've been dragging that shit around in boxes since I was a kid. What the fuck for?

I feel better. This weekend is all about changing cars and looking for a new place. Carey said that if worse come to worst I could stay in the doctor's place until he gets back. People can start moving in next week, but the appliances aren't hooked up yet. That would actually be really cool because he has parking.

Carey's friend's mom is director of nursing at a hospital in San Pedro. It's really not that far to drive. If I get hired there I can't start the program until August because it's run through the city college. Also I'd have to start at the beginning because I didn't get enough hours in before I quit. I have to go and talk to her on Friday. I hope I get it, but it won't be the same because I won't really know anyone and they use a different computer system over there. Carey and Goth Boy said the same thing about that. A new system will actually be better for me because then I'll know both. Plus they have hyperbaric there which they had at LBMMC but they didn't at my last place.

I'm tired. I feel like everything is changing all of a sudden and I'm on shaky legs. I don't know if I'm totally okay with giving everything over to my High Priest, but Carey and Patty and other chicks I know all yelled at me about it. They all said to let him help me. It's okay for guys to be nice. It doesn't mean they own me. Right? It's not like I'm totally beholding to him and owe him my life. Fuck it. If he wants to help out and be a gentleman that's cool. Maybe I'll be able to return the favor sometime.

confessions of The Shadow * 6:37 PM

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Monday, May 30, 2005

I fucking got totally blindsided today and I totally fucked up my life. I hate my mother so fucking completely and forever. I hate her and I want to watch her die. Not a quiet going in her sleep death either. I want to watch her squirm around with intractable pain. I want to see boils all over her face or third degree burns all over her body.

Saturday night she had everyone over for her stupid reading of the will party. Goth Boy and I showed up just to tell her in person that I wasn't interested in anything unless she wanted to throw some property my way. She wanted us to stay for cake and coffee but then my freakshow brother showed up all smiles and we were like so out of there.

So she's been calling me nonfuckingstop since yesterday afternoon but you know I was busy and I have nothing to say to her anyway. So today at work the fucking police show up at my work to question me about my mother's missing jewelry. I was never so fucking humiliated in my life.

That stupid fucking cow took all her furs and jewelry and shit out of secure storage to show everything off at her stupid fucking soiree (which is French for party).So yesterday when the guy comes to pick the shit up and take it back to the secure storage and all her fucking jewelry was gone. GONE! All of it. I would have laughed in her face if she hadn't sent the fucking cops on me.

These two blue bullies showed up and Scrad is all uh, these fellows seem to be here to speak with you. I so could not fucking believe it. They sat there asking me when the last time I saw the jewelry was and I told them. Gee, Officers. That would be Saturday night with everyone else before I went out with about 10 million other people. So in front of Scrad and everyone else there they basically said that Dave and me are being investigated for the "heist". The big dumb one actually used that word.

Then I kind of lost it. I threw my chart at Scrad and told them they could crawl up my ass with a scope if they wanted. They won't find anything because we didn't do anything. So fucking obvious her precious son ripped her off. Again. I don't know what the fuck he was doing there. She was probably having some kind of loving family hallmark fantasy thinking he would come over and be all grateful and we'd all kiss and make up and life would be all peaches and cream. Maybe my stepfreak was losing it because he's afraid mommy dearest would make him give me something of value like one of his apartments. Maybe one of my stepsibs took the shit because they have a gambling or drug problem. No. I know neither of them did it. They're weak and lame and they don't have drug problems. Shopping or gambling maybe. Maybe it was one of the help that they treat like dogshit on their shoes. No fucking way. It was my asshole freak brother who I hate.

God. I'm so exhausted. I've been crying and screaming and yelling since this morning. So Scrad is all I need to speak with you and starts grilling me about being professional and that to be in the program I have to be all squeeky clean and I could totally see where it was going so I told him to fuck off. I told him that if he was going to fire me he would never have the satisfaction because I quit. I threw my name badge at him and then I said, "Oh, and just so you can tell your life coach that heard it straight from me all the money in the world couldn't make me fuck you even with someone else's pussy".

Then I ran straight to Goth Boy's to tell him everything. He kept asking me and asking me all these questions and I'm not sure if I was making any sense. All I wanted to do was smash things and scream. He doesn't understand why I quit. He keeps saying so they fucked you and then you fucked yourself. He's right. I let my emotions get me crazy. Now I don't have a job and I'm out of the training program. Fucking fabulous.

I smashed all his dishes and glassware. It felt good. In the end he just kept handing me another dish to smash. Finally when they were all smashed he just looked at me and then handed me the broom and the dustpan thing. Fucker.

I just took a bath but I'm still so fucking pissed. I'm like in one of those blind rages people talk about. Goth Boy came and sat on the toilet while I took a bath. We both have alibi's for the whole time that the stupid bitch's stuff went missing. They can investigate us all they want. We haven't done anything.

But mommy dearest has. She's totally completely fucked me for the last time. I'm getting a new job and a new place. I'm changing all my numbers and I'm cutting off my monster absolutely and totally. When Carey did it she said she felt like a thousand pounds lifted off her soul. I'd like to lose that much weight.

I hate her I hate her I hate her. And I don't need her for anything. She's never going to confront her precious son about the shit he did. She's never going to tell me who the fuck my sperm donor is or was. Maybe she doesn't fucking know herself. I don't care anymore. She's slapped me in the face and pulled the fucking rug out from under me for the last time. Fuck her. I hate her so fucking much.

I gave Goth Boy the card from the stupid fucktard cops and he called the dumb one up. Are you looking for me? You want to talk? Come on by. I loved it.

Now I have to get a new job because I fucked myself over. Goth Boy is right. I'm too defensive and reactionary. I overreact. I let my attitude fuck me in the ass. Fuck. I knew I was going to totally ace my fucking test this week, too. Goddam that fucking bitch. I hate her so fucking much. I wish she would go in for some botox and they would stick the needle all the way into her little pea brain. I'd love that.

God I'm so fucking pissed. Now Goth Boy and i have to go to Ikea to get dishes and glasses. Ikea on a holiday weekend. I just can't stop fucking myself over, can I?

God I hate that fucking bitch.

confessions of The Shadow * 5:35 PM

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Friday, May 27, 2005

The Universe is trying to tell me something again. I don't know what. I keep hearing that same song, I don't remember the name of it. I heard it twice yesterday and then again this morning on my way to work. I couldn't get it out of my head last night. I don't know the name of it but I guess it's a pretty song. Goth Boy thinks I'm insane but at least he still thinks I'm insanely hot. He's so proud of Patty and me for selling our stuff at the Pride Festival.

I called my friend who lives in Vegas now. She said it's a warning. Of what? She said something is about to happen and to be careful. I called Mother Holley. She said to come by for a protection and blessing session.

I don't know what to think. I can't think of anything that could be coming up. I'm pretty confident about my test that I'm taking next week. My car's driving okay. I have a little money in the bank. I asked Goth Boy if he was cheating on me and he told me to shut it and then he fed me dinner. It was a little sexy in a controlling way. I called Boring Boy just to make sure he's not like suicidal or anything. I felt bad. He's all hopeful when he's asking me about Goth Boy.

I had a dream about Joe Cole. I wish I could remember more of it now. I just remember we were walking on Venice Beach and he was laughing so hard. I was making him laugh from his gut. His eyes were closed and he couldn't stop laughing. I woke up this morning and I felt like I was floating. Isn't that weird. I should call Carey and ask her about it.

Maybe nothing's going to happen. Maybe it's just like a normal random thing that happens. Maybe it's totally perfectly normal to hear a song out of play three times in a row. I hope so. I kind of like it when things are going good. I'm getting more used to it and I think I prefer a little "random stability" than "calculated chaos".

confessions of The Shadow * 9:58 AM

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Tuesday, May 24, 2005

Sorry I haven't been in the mood to blog. I'm having parental issues. My monster is a freakshow did you know? So's Patty's monster. They're freakshow twins seperated at birth. It's the truth.

Patty and I have been manless for a while. The guys just got back on Sunday. We were busy bees the whole time making t-shirts and buttons. Patty made hats. It was cool. We sold them at our own little tailgate party off the back of Goth Boy's truck. We also sold bottled water and fruit and candy. We went to Smart and Final and got loads of candy and the water. Then we went to the Farmer's Market and got the fruit. We bought the t-shirts online for only a buck a piece and Patty took the silk screen sheets from her school. It was pretty easy making the buttons and the shirts. Patty had the hard part making the hats. All told we made a proft of $723. We put it in the kitty. Goth Boy has been giving me grief about saving money and planning for the future. What fucking future? I don't know. He has a vision of one.

My stepfreak had a stroke or something. His left arm went numb. My monster is in a huge panic and we're all supposed to come over for this whole living will thing. I so don't want to be a part of this shit. I can't think of anything of my monster's that I want. When she called to tell me this whole thing she was like "I just want you to know that all my jewelry is going to you, no matter what. So don't be worried about anything anyone might say." What the fuck? I don't want all that dynasty crap. I mean I know it's probably worth a pretty penny but what the fuck do I care about that shit? I'd like to have some of their investment property. I was talking to Carey and she was saying that all the material possesions still couldn't possibly add up to one piece of property no matter how small. I don't know. And what the hell does she mean by all that "no matter what anyone might say" shit? Monsters are crazy.

Goth Boy was saying maybe my monster and my stepfreak have a suicide pact. That would be so fucking cool. I'd actually have some respect for her moxie if she pulled something like that. I doubt it. My monster has a morbid fear of death.

I have another test coming up. I know I'll pass. I don't know if I'll get a big fat A this time, but I'm totally not even worried about it.

I think this summer will be really good. I have a feeling it's going to a lot of fun.

confessions of The Shadow * 12:30 PM

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Monday, May 09, 2005

Okay so yesterday was Mother's Day and I totally forgot because in reality I just don't give two black shits. Goth Boy forgot, too. Because he doesn't give a shit about Hallmark Holidays either. So we were down in San Diego fucking around, emphasis on fucking, and we both were getting calls non-fucking stop from our female parental units. Our so-called birth mothers were both just bitching us out about ditching them. Neither of us picked up and we were walking around the gaslamp area and I'm like Jesus God my monster will not stop today and I'm thinking maybe my stepfreak had another MI or something. And he's all my monster won't stop either. Then we realize it's Monster's Day so we traded phones. I told his monster I had no idea where he was or when he was coming back. She totally has monster vision, though. She said I know my son is either next to you, on top of you, or under you. Please have him call me at his earliest convenience. She talks in the back East way. I told her sure thing and called her by her first name because it irritates her. Like I'm her equal or something. Then my monster called and Goth Boy ignored it. Then he finally answered and told her I was in the shower. She asked if I was coming over. He said all he could say for sure is that I would be coming. She didn't get it. He was quiet for a while then I heard him say "are you crying?". That was kind of funny. It's a little sad, too.

When I checked messages this morning there's like three from my monster going blah blah blah I'd like us to be friends, bullshit lies dishonesty, I'd like to be a part of your life, noise noise noise, there's no other relationship like mother and daughter, (which is true but I choose to ignore the facts on that one), bow wow woof woof, your "father" really wants to see you, (which really is a lie because she won't tell me who my sperm donor is and I will never think of her latest husband as my father), your brother and sister were hoping you'd be here, (I'll fucking bet because he still wants to fuck me, eeeeeewwwwww, and she gets zero parental heat when I'm around, besides the fact that they aren't my brother and sister, they're her husband's children from a previous marriage), meow meow meow, please call me at least, it's Mother's Day for God's sake.

Yeah, so. I've been spending too much time at Rho's with Baby. He's such a little punker. I love spiking his hair into a mohawk and kissing him. He's so huggable.

Goth Boy bought me some really cool jewelry in San Diego. We want to go to Japan. Is this how life is supposed to be? I almost think I might be feeling something that could be considered the beginning stages of contentment. But don't tell anyone I said that. I'll deny it to my grave.

confessions of The Shadow * 1:06 PM

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Wednesday, May 04, 2005

Okay I'm a little pissed. Off, yes. On, no fucking way.

I don't know if Goth Boy likes his new place or not. He came in and looked around and we showed him everything and he just stood there looking and not saying anything. Then he grabs me up and tells Carey to beat it. I don't know if it was just got home sex, or thanks my place looks incredible sex, or I missed you and I couldn't wait to be with you again sex, or what.

Then last night we went out to see the band at the hole and we walk in and that stupid loud cow shouts out OMIGOD look everybody it's The Barkers! Oh Travis and Shana come sit with us! Can I have your autograph?

This immediately put Goth Boy in a pissy mood. We sat in the back and didn't socialize at all until Patty and her man got there. Then later when that stupid cow's guy came over to talk about the robot thing Goth Boy told him he needed to put a muzzle on his woman. The guy got all aggro and Patty's Man had to chill everyone out. It was so obnoxious. I fucking hate that stupid bitch. She's always mouthing off. I didn't say anything because I didn't want to be mouthy. I just sat there and drank and listened to the band. They were really good, too. They did a bunch of sugary songs all punk of course. They called themselves the Dubble Bubble and they did that song from the Archies and that Happy Together song, and the one that goes Sugarplums and Buttercup and a song about a Candy Man. They also did Sugar Walls and a bunch of instrumentals that were really cool. I totally didn't know the singer could play harmonica. That's kind of cool.

I fucking can't stand that stupid cow. Can't everyone see that she eats her own shit and barks at the moon?

And fuck Goth Boy. He didn't even say thank you. What bad manners.

confessions of The Shadow * 1:16 PM

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Monday, May 02, 2005

I'm exhausted. This whole last few days I killed myself doing over Goth Boy's place. I hope he likes it. Carey came over and helped me. I think it looks really bad ass. We took off all the carpet and there were really thrashed hardwood floors underneath. They were thrashed. So we painted them silver. Even in the kitchen. We didn't paint the bathroom floor because it's really funky old tile. We painted the bathroom dark purple. Carey calls it eggplant. The tile in the bathroom is old black and white subway tiles with little octagon flowers on the floor. It looks super cool with all the purple. We painted the molding in the bathroom black and with his black towels it fucking rocks. We got him an industrial garbage can for his clothes hamper. Not that he'll ever use it.

In the living room and bedroom we painted the walls black and a light gray. So they're kind of like opposites. His living room is one wall windows. One wall is the kitchen and the entry way. The other wall is all his vinyl cubbies which we painted black and his fireplace. We painted the mantel silver and put his TV and xbox in there. On the other wall where his sofa is we painted black and silver stripes really fat. The molding in the living room we did silver. Patty's man got us some free sofas and Patty made some really cool pleather sofa covers. She also stole some pillows from her mom's house that look super cool because they're an iradessant green. They're the only color in the whole living room except the super old persian rug that came with the place. We vacuumed that rug for about an hour straight before all the dust came up.

In the love cave, his bedroom, we painted the walls gray and the molding black. The floors are silver in there, too. Patty made a really cool bed set from fake fur she found in the garment district. We covered over the chair that came with the place in the same fur. It looks pretty cool because then we painted the chair silver. Carey was kind of mad because we're supposed to take the material off first and then paint the wood and then put it back together, but fuck it. It worked out.

We even painted inside his closet and organized his clothes. I put my old shoe rack in there so that shoes are all lined up. Patty made these cool pillows out of concert t-shirts. I want her to make me some, too. She made him a Minor Threat pillow and a Black Sabbath pillow and a NIN one. I wanted to make pillows out of all his t-shirts but Patty was afraid to do it with his Black Flag or Plimsouls shirts. She said she'd do it with new ones but not the old ones unless he asked her to. I guess that's fair.

We ran out of money when we got to the kitchen but I pitched in some and so did Patty's man. We made the kitchen black and white and red with some silver stuff. He still has the old 50's oven and stovetop and fridge from when he bought the place. So we put wrapping paper on the wall and inside the cupboards. It's really cool because it has all these big headed children with stick bodies and the background is red and white checks. It goes really cool with the black and white checks in the tile. Patty's Man helped us put up a pot rack on the back wall and we hung up the red pots and pans he's never once used and a red collander that he'll probably never use in his life time. The only thing that gets used in that kitchen is the dishwasher, the fridge, and the microwave. But at least now it looks cute. I got him some funny kitchen magnet and put them on his fridge.

We even did the tribute to "Friends" and put a little frame around the peephole in the door. Of course, it's a Jack and Sally frame but that's more his style anyway. I'm so glad we were able to get the vinyl drapes from Al's. They were only $5 each. What a fucking steal. I got him some cool incense and some LP frames. I don't know which LP's he'd want on his walls, so I'll leave that up to him. We left his vinyl player alone because that and his computer were the only things in that whole place that looked right. He has a big cabinet that when you open it there's his whole little office in one place.

He better like it. He better walk in and lose his mind.

confessions of The Shadow * 11:18 AM

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