Wednesday, December 29, 2004

Boring Boy called me yesterday morning. He was crying because Ally McBeal didn't like the gift he gave her for Xmas and didn't want to go with him to some lame-ass New Year's party. I got off the bed and went into the bathroom for some privacy. Goth Boy lost his mind.

I told Boring Boy to go out by himself and meet another girl and fuck her bowlegged. I reminded him to practice his pussy licking skills and told him to not try to dress cool but to wear his black silk dress shirt with his jeans and boots and a cool jacket. I told him to be confident and to seek out the girls who were alone but having fun anyway. I told him to kiss as many people as possible and to not be so fucking desperate.

When I got off the phone I went back to the bedroom and Goth Boy was giving me the silent treatment. I told him I wasn't putting up with any of his shit because he had no right or reason to be dishing it out to me. He wanted to know who was on the phone and I told him it was one of my worshippers in need. That's when he really lost his shit. He asked me if I'd fucked him. I said no, not that it's any of his business, which it isn't and that even if I had it would've been before he came in from the rain so what's it to him anyway. He went for a walk and hasn't been back.

He better come back tonight and fuck my brains out or I may not let him come back at all. This is my temple and I am the Sex Popess of the World and if he doesn't worship the pussy then he doesn't get to be my High Priest. So fuck him, so there.



confessions of The Shadow * 8:01 PM

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Saturday, December 25, 2004

I got some lingerie and a book for Soulstis. Goth Boy gave me a book called Guide To Essential Knowledge. He edited it. He crossed out the parts he thought were wrong and bullshit. He crossed out the paragraph on Punk and wrote "see footnote" in the margin. Then he gave me a little book he made called "footnote".

I didn't know what to get him so I got him an old book on history from the 1800's and I made him a little flip book. I took him over to my mom's last night. I picked up about $500 in gift cards. My stepsib got a brand new Jetta, and a bedset and various other little things. My other stepsib was given a two-bedroom condo and some gift cards for home stores.

Goth Boy and I brought them a poinsettia. Goth Boy told everyone his name was Danger and that he was in a punk band. I told mommy I was thinking of training to become a dominatrix so I could move to Vegas and open up my own scream room. It was boring. I wish I hadn't gone. It doesn't even seem like it was worth the food or the $500. I thought I would go over and get some of Xochitel's good tamale's but they got rid of her after he came home from the hospital because they thought her cooking was too salty. Now they have some other chick who's in culinary school and she's supposed to be teaching mommy dearest how to make all these heart healthy foods. Whatever.

We only stayed for about an hour and a half. That's all we could stand. Goth Boy wanted to have sex in monster and stepfreak's room but it was lame. It's just like I have this feeling like why does everything I do or don't do have to be about them somehow? Why does everything have to feel like it's in reaction or avoidance or rejection of them and their ways?

Anyway the food was terrible. The wine sucked. It wasn't even fun to try to shock or embarrass or humiliate them. Stepsibs were overjoyed and clucking about their stupendous gifts. I'm glad we took my car over and looked extra impoverished. Stepfreak kept trying to ask Goth Boy all kinds of stuff but Goth Boy just pretended he was really stupid and hadn't finished high school and had no skills or opinion. Monster asked us how it was in DC. Goth Boy told her we scored some really good drugs in CapTown.

It was all boring. I kind of don't think it's even worth bothering anymore. I'm going in to work later on today. Tomorrow Goth Boy and I are going to spend all my gift cards. He got a new computer and is setting up his old one on my desk right now. I'm typing this on his fancy new laptop. It has centrinos in it and can connect to internet from anywhere. Perhaps not Botswana or Borneo.


confessions of The Shadow * 1:45 PM

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Wednesday, December 22, 2004

Last night Goth Boy and I went to a wedding. It was pretty cool. My friends from the hospital had met Goth Boy, but last night the guys who've been in India and Japan were there. They all sized each other up and were friendly by the end of the night. I didn't even get half an ounce of shit from Head Injury Boy. He was totally non-territorial with Goth Boy which was new and refreshing. Everyone was really happy to see them and it was like this big reunion.

The house where the wedding was is in Malibu Colony at the beach. We had to have our invitations and identification to get past the guards and there was valet parking. I didn't get too good a look at all the other houses, but I knew I was out of my league. Goth Boy didn't seem fazed. The house is Cape Cod style. I know that much. It's from the 50's or 60's. The girl who left the hospital to have her baby moved up there to live with her mom because she owns this big fat house at the beach and hates all the rich celebrities who live there. She had the baby in a special bathtub for giving birth. Goth Boy left the room when she started talking about it. The baby is a Down's Syndrome baby. My idiot mother still calls them mongoloids. I saw Goth Boy playing with him when he thought no one was watching.

I don't know why I've been obsessing about mothers lately. Everyone I know seems to have a complete moron or asshole as a mother. But last night I met two really great moms. Some of The Crew came back from Boston and they brought the doctor's mom with them. She was in a car accident almost a year ago and her husband and grandson died. That's why he left. They all came back and one of the nurses has a baby that she got from Cambodia like Angelina Jolie. Her baby is a girl. She's really cool. She's learning sign language and knows how to ask for milk and she loves to kiss everyone. She's really attached to the doctor's mom. The nurse who adopted her lives in Boston now with another one of the nurses who left. The doctor's mom is her babysitter and she taught the baby how to walk.

I don't know about motherhood. It's such a trick gig. I've seen countless girls with their heads up their ass about becoming a mommy and having some idiot's baby and getting in the game. It's complete bullshit. They get so much untold free shit. They get sympathy from all angles. They get a free carseat, all kinds of free products, free food, free healthcare, subsidized housing, discount utilities, free daycare, free schooling, free money, free free free shit. On top of it all they're usually running some fucking underground daycare and getting a little cash on the side from baby daddy. There's this whole black market welfare system that some of the girls I used to work with were all into. When you stand in line for your free food you get all kinds of cheese and then they sell these huge bricks of cheese that no one in their right mind would eat to the taquerias downtown. There's these food stamps guys who give them half cash for the stamps and then they can buy their cigs and liquor. It's like a ghetto foreign currency exchange. It's in the same economy as the guys who fake your smog test results and then send you over to their cousin who has his own DMV registration setup out of his crib.

Motherhood is a sucky gig. I certainly wouldn't want bitter little me for offspring. I would feel like shit if my son treated me like Goth Boy treats his womb donor. But then, I wouldn't have me as a kid. If I had a kid it would probably be the opposite of me. My kid would probably be a real academic nerd who only wanted to wear red and purple and talk about ponies. If Goth and I had a kid it would probably be a little firestarter.

Everyone was there with their kids last night. One of the girls brought her three daughters to be in the wedding. They all wore matching dresses and the oldest walked around the circle throwing rose petals. Then the middle girl gave everyone love verses. She handed me one and said "read this for love" and when she gave one to Goth Boy he opened it right there and it said "Be like the moon, HR" and he immediately put it in his pocket. Mine said "Give all to love, RWE". I found out later from Goth Boy it's a quote from Ralph Waldo Emmerson. When the littlest came around she was throwing glitter and confetti of hearts and stars. Goth Boy was laughing at her because she still has a cast on her leg and she couldn't walk very fast. She was hobbling around tossing her stuff and when she came close to us Goth Boy said "beat it, gimpy".

The wedding was anti-religious. It was supposed to be all natural. There were all these Tiki torches and everyone had to stand around a circle. Then this huge woman called Priestess Holly called the goddess Venus to bless the union. She said all this stuff about soulmates and when two become one and it was cool. I silently sent them the blessing of the Sex Popess of the World. It would be corny if I didn't like these two people. Then the hippie chick and her boyfriend came down the aisle in black and white. Everyone was there. Goth Boy said they looked like they were boarding the ark two by two.

The whole thing was really cool. I normally don't go to weddings because they're so fucking lame. When I see two people walking down the aisle I just think well good luck to ya. I'm usually wondering what the fuck she sees in him or how drunk was he when he knocked her up. I never think gee, I'm so thrilled these two crazy kids are taking the big step. I'm just so goddammed happy for 'em. What a Hallmark moment.

The after party was loads of fun. We just sat around drinking and listening to music and to stories of the guys' trip. We all made wishes for them like I wish you never get a leg cramp during sex. I wish you always have a lot of overtime available if you want it. I wish you both always get in the quick line at the stadium bathroom. I wish you always find your rare vinyl when the clerk has no fucking clue what it's really worth. We didn't leave until about 4am. The guard was really pissy with us on the way out. I flashed him my boobs to make Goth Boy to laugh.

Should I get knocked up so I can keep Goth Boy obligated for life? He'd probably throw me down a flight of stairs. Should I marry Boring Boy so I can have someone to boss around and pay my bills? Or should I just keep learning to take care of myself and figure out who the fuck I am and what the fuck I'm doing on this planet?

I hate my mom. I think we're headed for a shootout soon. I'm extra pissed at her today after seeing how mothers are supposed to be. Maybe I'm an asshole for thinking moms are supposed to be one thing or another, but I've seen it up close and there's no turning back now.

I see my friend who's a single mom with three little girls. She doesn't go from man to man to pay her way. She's on her own and has a house and has her three girls in line. I see the girl who had her son in the bathtub. Her mom is kind of nutty. She's really kind of an airhead like my monster but she's so there for everyone. My monster runs around doing doing doing for others but it's bullshit. It's only to make herself look perfect and happy. She's totally into all this Martha Stuart shit. She gets the magazine and watches the show. Now she's totally bitchy about Martha, but she watches home shows all fucking day long. She's like June Cleaver on E.

The lady whose house we took over is so real. She's been married a lot and she's kind of a goofy chick, but she's really intelligent and informed. She made her money by being a distributor of these special hair and skincare products that all the high end salons use. At one point she and her daughter were living in the warehouse with all the products and doing the whole single mom struggle. She never went on medi-cal or welfare or any of that bullshit. I can see now why her daughter has such an attitude about people who choose to be helpless. She and the doctor's mom are like best friends now.

The doctor's mom is really awesome, too. No matter what she has the answer. She knew how all the guys should look and she knew how to fix Carey's hair so it would stay up. She held Bibi's baby during the whole ceremony and it was amazing but neither of the babies cried. She can't be ruffled. Goth Boy was trying to freak her out with his tats but she just said they were very well drawn and lovely. Mr. Steve told her he was planning on drowning some of the celebrities if they complained about us taking over the beach. She just said good luck and don't get caught. No wonder everyone loves the doctor. Great mom, great son.

I feel cheated. I haven't felt like this since I was really little. I never stayed long enough in a school to make friends or get invited to parties but when I was in 6th grade my mom signed me up for some fucking thing called Barbie club. All the little girls were Barbie collectors and I brought my Dynasty Barbie to the club and got invited to Laurel Mingiss' birthday party. It was a very big fucking deal. It was a tea party with flowers everywhere. The house was pretty and we were all wearing pretty pastel dresses and I didn't know anyone but they were nice to me and we made cookies and played games and there was a lady who came and talked about important little girls in history. She told us about the child brides of Bhutan and the little girls who saw the Virgin Mary in Fatima. That's all I remember. My mom ended up fucking Mr. Mingiss. I never went to Barbie club again. We moved about probably 2 months later.

I'm not about to sit here and cry over how I never got a party when I was a kid. It's just that I never felt important. I didn't know I felt it at the time, but looking back I guess I always felt like a nuisance. My mom acted either like I was a little doll she would play with when she was bored or that I was a bother that had to be dealt with. I hated that attitude from Goth Boy's mom. See, I had one of those monsters too. I know that feeling of hey, I've got somethig more interesting and important going on than dealing with you and your lame childhood so beat it, kid. I'll call when I'm feeling you again. Yeah, well fuck that. That's why I can't stand all this mommy and boo shit. You can't treat someone like shit their whole life and then have some kind of life changing revelation and try to be their friend. You have to be there the whold goddammed time.

I'm never having kids. I'm never getting married. I'm glad for my friends and it's really cool to see someone supposedly do it right on the Solstice and I'll be keeping my eye on things to see how the turn out. I'm rooting for them. I really am. They deserve each other and they deserve to be happy and I'm hoping they make it.

As for me, fuck it. I'm taking everything moment by moment. It would be stupid to think that anything could last with Goth Boy and me. All we have is today and I want to enjoy it and not make it more or less than it is. As soon as you're sure of something it disappears.

We stopped by the house on Brooks Ave on the way home. We had mad sex in the car out front. I wanted to let Joe Cole know that everything was okay at the moment and the only way I know how to make a place happier is to get off there. Maybe when I'm older like the doctor's mom I'll be in a different place, but as for now I'm the Sex Popess of the World and I have a mission to complete.

confessions of The Shadow * 10:02 AM

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Sunday, December 19, 2004

Dr Scrad extended me a "personal invitation" to his New Year's Eve party this morning. I told him thanks, but no thanks. I told him my "boyfriend" was taking me to see some punk show where we rang in the new year by kicking a small furry animal to death. I don't know if he believed me or not and guess who doesn't give a shit? He said he wasn't aware that I was in a committed relationship. Neither am I, but he doesn't need to know that. I told him I could hook him up with my mom, if he was desperate for a date but he just said that it wouldn't be necessary. I've decided to lightly humiliate him for the time being. I was considering telling Goth Boy about the ass grabbing but he would probably just love to have an excuse to break Scrad's legs.

I don't know what to get Goth Boy for Soulstis. I went vinyl shopping yesterday and I got him an X LP. He should be happy with that, if he doesn't already have it. I went to his apartment with him the other day. It's weird but that's the first time I've been inside it. I thought it would be just like every other straight guy's apartment I've been in and it totally was except even more extreme. The carpet should be torn off the hardwood floors and burned. The floors should be refinished. The walls need de-greaser and some hardcore paint. The vinyl in the kitchen and bathroom should be burned, too. I could make that place a palace. My place was built in the 50's but he's living in the Villa. I don't know when it was built but it's right on the beach. His view is fucking crazy. There's gargoyles on the outside. Carey would vomit if she looked out his bedroom window because she's got an unnatural fear of heights. I didn't act like I was impressed. He doesn't have a stove. He has an apartment fridge and an old microwave. He doesn't have parking, either. His entire bedroom is shelves of books and a mattress. The room that's supposed to be the living room is full of boxes and shelves of vinyl and a sofa full of clothes and a chair full of magazines. No fucking wonder he sleeps at my place every night. And here I thought it was my hot wet pussy.

He hasn't mentioned anything about "The Holidays". I'm supposed to go to my mom's on Christmas Eve. I'm considering bringing Goth Boy, but seeing as how my stepfreak had a heart attack not so long ago maybe I should wait. Also, things are kind of okay with Goth Boy and me and I'm afraid to jinx it by introducing him to the walking plastic surgery commercial. Actually, to be 100% honest, I'm afraid I'll never see him again if I took him over there. I probably won't go. I'll just blow them off. Except that mommy's probably got a couple hundred bucks in gift cards under the tree for me. I don't know what to think. I know he didn't take me over to Thanksgiving with his parents because he wanted us to meet. It's just that I know how to play "You Can't Hurt Me" without Goth Boy and I don't think it's worth whatever it is we have together to risk taking him behind the Orange Curtain.

Carey's coming over to bake some Soulstis cookies tonight. We're making Jack and Sally and Sandy Claws cookies. Goth Boy made us the cookie cutters. They're pretty cool. I hope they work.

confessions of The Shadow * 3:46 PM

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Tuesday, December 14, 2004

So fucking unbelievable. Dr. Scrad grabbed my ass today and tried to pretend it was an accident. I kicked him in the balls and told him that was an accident, too. What a fucker. Now I have to completely ruin him. I'd really like to do the purple dick trick on him. The Sex Popess must meditate on the best form of revenge. I'd like to just chop off both his fucking hands. What a pig. He's so gross. Carey and I were thinking of slashing his tires or putting sugar in the gas tank of his lover, Boxter I mean. No. The Sex Popess of the World doesn't need to lower herself to that level.

I'll just call him over with my pussy and when he gets close enough I'll make his dick all nice and purple with the indelible ink and tell him to keep his hands to himself. And he better not fuck with me by trying to write me up or kick me out of the training program because then I'll really get mad and you know what happens when you shove me. That's right, bitch. I'll come back and knock your ass all the way down.

confessions of The Shadow * 4:14 PM

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Friday, December 10, 2004

I came home from work today and there's an Xmas tree in front of the corner window. It's a little Charlie Browner. Goth Boy must've done it. I didn't mention anything to him. When I went out to Target and the grocery store I came up with a wicked plan. I got some super cutesy ornaments at Target of snowmen and angels and santas and reindeer and all that kind of shit and some silver ball ornaments and a Barbie tree topper and some purple tree lights. I also bought two cans of black matte spray paint.

When I got home Goth Boy was pouting in front of the TV. I went in the kitchen and unpacked all the bags and put the groceries away. He came in when he heard me ripping up the grocery bags to cover the counters. You should have seen his face when he saw all the ornaments. I thought he was going to vomit. Then I threw the tree lights at him and told him to light up the tree. While he was doing that I opened the ornaments and started spraying. He helped me spray the last coat on all of them.

You should all come over and see our Soulstis tree. It's so fucking cool. We ripped all the clothes off Barbie and chopped her hair off to spikes. She looks frightening cool. Goth Boy is so happy. He took some pictures of us in front of the tree. In some of them I'm still dressed. The others we sent to his mom and dad.

confessions of The Shadow * 9:56 PM

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Saturday, December 04, 2004

All is well in the Temple of Sex. My High Priest is back in action and better than ever. He took me to see that movie What The Bleep Do We Know? It's really interesting. It's kind of like a documentary but kind of like a story, too. It was an okay story, I guess. I liked the science part of it better. I like all that kind of stuff.

Goth Boy won't talk about his family. I'm not sure if it was a victory for him or not. It was for me. I irritated his mother and practically gave his father a heart attack and a hard on at the same time. Good for me. Plus, my mother kept calling me to ask me to come by and pick up some leftovers. I wanted to laugh in her face. Leftovers are all she ever has for me.

So Santa season is here. Last year my friend came up with this weird idea of Soulstis, where we'd invent a new holiday and make money by trademarking it. I asked Goth Boy if he wanted to get a Santa tree and he said fuck no. I asked him if he wanted to hang up stockings with our names on them, but I couldn't even say it with a straight face.




confessions of The Shadow * 2:45 PM

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