Sunday, July 25, 2004

I went trolling last night to find someone worthy of consumating my new boodwah. I didn't find anyone except this one interesting guy who's only in the LA area for a few weeks because he's writing a book about the "lost angels" of LA. Who are these people? Joe Cole is one. Apparently his book will document with photos really cool people from LA whose punkish lives were "cut short by the City".

He was interesting and holds Joe in high regard so I let him be the first boy to fuck my brains out in my new room. It was pretty good. He was into all the candles and stuff even though it made my room kind of hot and we had to keep the fan on the whole time to cool our sweat. I won't go into graphic details because I'm not that kind of girl. Okay, I am.

He's a really good kisser and an excellent licker. His toolbox is well-equipped and he knows what he's doing and he knows his way around a woman's body. He knows exactly what to do with all her parts and he knows what he wants and how to ask for it without being an asshole. What more could a girl want? Plus, he's leaving soon. So I'll let him hang around until he goes. I may even feed and bathe him. But I won't clean up his shit, no matter what. Because I'm just not that  kind of girl at all. 


confessions of The Shadow * 6:37 PM

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Thursday, July 22, 2004

I painted my bedroom blood red and the trim black. I got two new sheetsets and a duvet cover all in black. I put black netting on the windows and over the bed in a canopy. I put up my black and white pictures of people kissing all over the room. It looks so badass, so Anne Rice. I went to Illuminations with my friend Carey and bought candles and went to Michael's and got some dirt cheap candle holders. Now I have a boodwahr. I know that's not how it's spelled but that's how it sounds. I was thinking of putting up some masks and beads but we decided it would be too kitschy New Orleans Vegas Hooker style. I can't wait to have sex in my new room. It'll be so fun.  

I bought some new clothes and I went to go see that piece of crap I Robot. Don't bother. That's my community charity message to all you bloggering bloggers.

I'm kind of excited about my new job. It's a little more money and better hours and I have a better shot at the training program than at Femoral. Maybe someday I'll actually make a dollar and be able to live somewhere cool with adequate parking and can then buy the kind of car I want because I'll have a garage to put it in. Such high hopes for lowly me.

Tonight is the rebroadcast of Harmony in my Head. I told some teenagers that Henry was my dad. I felt bad when they believed me. They said I didn't look anything like him. I said I know and that's how I know for sure he's my dad because he made my mom paternity test me. One little boy asked me if I was a rich hottie. I told him I was a rich hottie in ways he'd never dreamed of. Boys are so lame. Boys are dumb from the cradle to the grave.

 



confessions of The Shadow * 8:10 AM

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Sunday, July 18, 2004

I quit my job yesterday. It felt good to be part of something worthwhile. At exactly noon I told the fat hen working the desk that I was leaving. She started clucking and asked me if I wasn't feeling well. I told her no, I was feeling very sick of the fucked up management at this fucked up job. I thought she was going to have a heart attack. I handed her my charts, which were completed, and I clocked out and I left. I called HR and left them a polite message and I called my new boss and told her I'd be at work bright and early a week from Monday. Now I have a whole week of fucking off and listening to Indie 103.1 while I do it. I've decided actually to clean everything I own and paint my bedroom. I'm painting blood red and Carey said she'd help me hang black netting everywhere. So Anne Rice.

The Crew all quit yesterday, too. At precisely noon everyone just went and told their backup they couldn't take any new cases and we all jet. We went to the BBC for nachos and beer and had to turn our cellphones off because they were ringing out of control. It was really fucking cool. One fucktard manager said she was going to sue us all for abandonment of post and interrupting patient care. What the fuck ever. If she does that, which she won't, we'll just publish our grievances in the paper and the hospital reputation may suffer. They'll never let that happen. They'll let us go and they'll give us our send off cash and we'll all be done with each other. No quitting parties for us. No cake and keychains and goodlucks and don't be a stranger bullshit for us. When we leave, we just go.

Onwards and upwards to the bright new future.

Oh and I saw Goth Boy again. I was in such a miserable mood that when he nodded at me I just walked past him like he was a piece of furniture because I can always give as good as I get.


confessions of The Shadow * 11:45 AM

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Tuesday, July 13, 2004

I got a new job. I'm quitting this one on Saturday. My new job is also at a trauma center. It's the other one just down the street. It's not as big or pretty as this hospital, but it's closer to my house and actually a little more money. I don't even give a shit about any of these people I work with. Besides "The Crew", I don't care if I ever see any of these people again. Boring boy and Ally McBeal wannabe are dating. Good for them. I hope they have nice mild sex together every Thursday between 9:00 and 9:15 pm. I hope all the fat hens think I killed myself over it when I stop coming in to work after I walk out on Saturday. I just don't give a shit.

I saw Goth Boy. He was walking in front of me at the Pike and I willed him to turn around or to see me in the reflection of the window but he didn't. He didn't feel me or see me or hear me. How indicative. I don't care about him either. He should be salivating to get back to me. What a moron. Fuck him. No, no, no never again.

confessions of The Shadow * 9:26 AM

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Sunday, July 04, 2004

I know everyone is just dying to know what we did to MTV boy, so here's the scoop - First off I have to thank someone called the Rantress for her revenge tactics. She has a lot of good ideas. One of them was to get ahold of some of the indelible purple ink they use to stamp meat at the grocery and put it on his dick so he would be marked like Cain in that book of lies known as the Bible. We were going to do that one, but the girl we know whose husband is a meatcutter found out why we wanted the dye and refused to get it for us. He thought it was too cruel. She's still not sleeping with him, so the jury's out if he made the right choice or not. So we decided to go with the Rantress's next best suggestion which was to Ally McBeal him with "The Penguin". We thought it would be kind of fitting since he's as lame as that show.

So my friend called him up and told him she was really sorry that all his stuff got stolen from the alley, which is a total and complete lie. We only wish we had been there to see it happen. She said that she wanted to make it up to him and had a surprise for him. He was a little leery, but then she mentioned me and he got really scared. She said she'd always been attracted to me and wanted to know if he was interested in trying a little three for fun. Of course he was interested. He said he'd call her right back. Then he called me on my cell, not knowing that I was sitting right next to her. He said he had a surprise for me and that he wanted to see me that night. What a fucking dork. I acted like I was all shy and told him that I couldn't wait to see him and did he want to come over or pick me up? He said he'd pick me up and then he said to be sure I was wearing some really sexy panties. Oh, yeah sure dumb ass. Just for you.

So he called my friend back and said he wanted to pick her up tonight and take her to a hotel and then go get me and bring me back to the hotel. She said that would be great and that she'd make all the arrangements. Then the moron actually gave her his credit card number so she could charge the room. We almost fully ripped his ass off and called Tiffany's, but in the end decided to just order a bunch of ridiculous shit from the Rubber Tree and Pleasure Chest like ball socks and butt plugs and strap-ons and stuff like that, and had it all sent to his MTV office.

So she called down to the Ritz in Newport and charged a room and told them to have the champagne and strawberries ready. If you request it, the hotel will have these little welcoming trays ready in the room when you check in. So the idiot drives all the way to her house, picks her up and then takes her all the way down to the Ritz, then tells her to chill and he'd be right back, and drives all the way back up to Long Beach to pick me up when I actually only live about a mile away from her. I really can't believe either of us was sleeping with a guy so stupid. I mean he's cute and all, but damn he's dumb. By the time we got to the room, she'd drank nearly all the champagne and eaten all the strawberries and gone down to the bar and made friends with this really cool couple who was there on their honeymoon from Iowa. Meanwhile, our cell phones were busy with us calling each other with updates. At one point I was in the car with him and on the phone with her and she was in the bar with the honeymooners and it was really funny.

So we got to the hotel and she was back in the room and had ordered another bottle of Cristal and more strawberries and then she said we had to go into the bathroom to get ready. He was like all Rico Suave and full of himself, oooohhhh check me out two chicks at once I'm a sexy stud. Then when we were in the bathroom she told me there was a change of plans. Apparently the honeymooners thought our scheme was hysterical and wanted in on the action. They were down at the pool and we were supposed to all go down for a swim and then a little hot tub action.

So we came out of the bathroom in our underwear and the asshole was already naked. We told him to put on his pants at least because we were going down to the pool. He said okay all disappointed and we went. My friend pretended she didn't know the honeymooners and they were all retarded like, so where's your boyfriend? Oh, he's your boyfriend? Then where's your boyfriend? Oh, he's both of your boyfriend? So are you guys Mormon or something? MTV Boy was getting really irritated with them when I suggested we go into the jaccuzzi. He liked that idea. We all got in and the honeymooners left. My friend gave them the room keycard and they went upstairs and got all our stuff and his.

We hung out in the jaccuzzi for about a half hour, making out with each other and being all stupid and Real World sluttish. I will say this though - my friend is a good kisser and if I was bi or a lesbo I'd definitely take her out. I like kissing girls, though I'm not really attracted to them. Anyway, then we said let's go upstairs and I swear he practically flew out of the jaccuzzi. He was so excited. It was almost too much to watch him hopping around getting the towels over our shoulders and come on ladies let's go. So we got almost to our room and then we just started acting like we were mad for it. We made out in the elevator. We made out in the hallway. Then we went into the stairwell and I took off my panties and pulled off his boxerbriefs and there he was in all his glory. I started giving him a handjob to distract him from the fact that my friend had creaked the door open and when his eyes were closed I pushed him away from me and we ran for the elevator.

It was kind of thrilling running down the hallway of the Ritz wearing only my bra, but no one saw me. Maybe security got a beaver shot, but who cares? Right as the elevator door closed I heard his voice behind me say hey where'd you guys go? We almost died in the elevator. We got down to the bar and the honeymooners were in there and we ran to the bathroom and put our clothes on. Mr honeymooner went out to MTV boy's car and put his wallet and cellphone under the front seat. He found the hide-a-key and dropped those on the dashboard and then used the keys with alarm remote to lock the car and set the alarm. Then he threw those keys into the fountain.

I have to say that those people we met from Iowa are really nice. In a genuine MidWest kind of way. They were about the same age as me and already married and had just bought a house in wherever the hell they're from. I kind of envied them just a little. They seemed really happy and I hope they make it. They certainly know how to have fun together. They dropped us off at the bus stop and we took the #1 all the way back to Seal Beach. Then my friend's roommate picked us up. We went back to this couple's house who took that doctor's dog after he had to go back to Boston. They're really nice, too.

We had to tell everyone what happened over and over and it was too funny. I haven't laughed like that in a long time. We imagined MTV Boy wandering the hall, naked. Trying to get into the room. Busted by security. Made to put clothes on. Getting into the room and finding all the stuff gone. Telling the cops we'd robbed him. Finding his car in the parking lot. Getting it open by the security people or the cops. Freaking out about his wallet and his phone. Then the guy whose house we were at called the Newport Beach Police and told them anonymously that the wallet and cellphone were under the front seat. He wanted to be sure we didn't get in trouble for theft. Then he'd get to the office and start getting little brown packages from sex shops.

I don't know if we'll ever hear from MTV Boy again, but I bet not. There really aren't too many people who can take us on and live to tell the tale. I know I'm sounding like a B movie, but it's kind of true. Did he really think he'd get away with it? Did he really think he could just blow into town, fuck us both, laugh about it back at the office, and get away with it? No. This is the LB. As Mr Rhonda says "Fuck with one of us, you fuck with all of us, and if you fuck with us, you're fucked".


He deserves it. We deserve to laugh at him. Now, so do all of you.

Happy 4th of July

confessions of The Shadow * 10:52 AM

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