Wednesday, January 28, 2004

There's a girl here at my work who's still into that show Ally McBeal. She wants to be Ally McBeal so bad it's crazy. She's always talking about different episodes and asking did you see it, did you see the one where whatever happened and blahblahblah. She wants to go to law school. I told her she looked just like Calista Flockhart, which is total lie, but she got all excited and said omigod rilly? She's always saying things are a this-ism and bygones all the time. She might not live through the night. I wish she would start watching the Clueless show. Miss Match, I mean. It's just Clueless, the series, and what's her face is older and a lawyer with her dad now. I can't believe I'm even discussing this shit when I should be listening to my new favorite station Indie 103.1

I swear, she really might not live through the night.

confessions of The Shadow * 1:45 PM

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Thursday, January 22, 2004

Holy shit! Bennifer is dead. What will I do? Not a fucking thing. Who gives a shit? It's really not even worth mentioning except the fat clucking hens here have diarrhea of the mouth about it. I so don't care. I so don't care about anything. I tried to call my mom back today. She's been calling me for about a month. I called her and her phone was busy. So typical. I'll call her again when I feel like it.

confessions of The Shadow * 10:54 PM

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Wednesday, January 21, 2004

I got in trouble today for using the radiology equipment. Fuck them. I don't fucking care. I took some cool pictures of my shoes and this guy's wallet. I saw some pictures my friend has of a rose xray. It's cool. I wish I could xray my own head. I wanted to do an ultrasound of my eye but the tech wouldn't let me. He thinks I'm a freak. Maybe I am. What's it to you? One of the dickheads here said I was a Christina Aguilera wannabe. I have two options. I can either slash his tires or take a key to his car he's in love with or I can get him to go out with me by acting like I'm hot for him and then right when he's begging for it I could just start laughing and say Christina Aguilera wannabe? Now that's funny. Then I'd just walk away leaving him with blue balls. You know which option I'm taking. You know how this story ends. I'm rolling my eyes at you, too.

confessions of The Shadow * 3:58 PM

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Sunday, January 18, 2004

Okay. Here's the thing about Joe Cole. You can call me obsessive, possessive, fucknuts, whatever. I don't care. I really don't. I was there, and I know what happened. So this everything I know about it.

When I was twelve we used to live at the beach. I don't remember exactly where but I know it was in Venice, on the street side not the beach side. That's when my mom was with this kind of rich guy and he let us live with him for a summer. My brother learned how to surf and do drugs. I was pretty much on my own because there weren't any other kids living by us and school hadn't started yet. We moved away before school started anyway.

One time I was at the beach and I was trying to order fries from this place and these rotten old fuckers kept talking to me. I just blew them off but they were telling me I was cute and asking me if I lived around there and other pervy shit. Usually assholes used to tell me how pretty I was and ask me if my mom was single which made her happy. That's all it takes. Even an indirect come one like that can make her day.

I don't know why I looked at him. I think he must have somehow called my name, but I didn't hear anything. I looked up and made eye contact with this guy who was looking at me. The assholes made me feel naked in my bikini but he didn't. There's a difference in the way people look at you. He wasn't looking at my body but he was watching me. That's all it was. Just a look. He watched me until I got my fries and he watched me walk back to my place on the beach in front of the lifeguards. I know because I looked back and he was still there watching me.

It was just a look but it made me feel safe. I knew he wasn't an asshole. I knew he was watching me to make me feel safe. Maybe he was wondering where I belonged and why I wasn't dressed and who was supposed to be watching me. That part I'm making up because the only thing I saw in his eyes was that he made me feel safe.

I never saw him again after that until I hung out with this complete dickhead who thinks he's Henry Rollins. He made me watch the video where Rollins talks about how Joe Cole was murdered. I looked at this book and I saw the pictures of Joe Cole and I knew it was him. I went one time on the web site of that actor who's his dad. There used to be pictures of him on there. This one girl who works here has some videos of some cult movie about Patty Hearst and stuff and he's in there and it's him. The guy from the beach who watched me. The guy who made me feel safe. My friend Carey gave me his book and I can't stop reading it. I read it over and over because it makes me feel closer to him.

That probably sounds pretty fucked up but I don't care. I don't care what people think about it. My mom is an idiot. I don't even know for sure who my dad is. My brother killed himself and his friends drunk driving and that leaves just me because I don't count that other thing my mother gave birth to.

Someone should have been with me on that beach. I know now that pervs are always looking for opportunities and I really think that something bad was all set to happen to me. There's a difference when someone looks at you and now I know. I don't know what to call it. Concern is what Carey said. She said Joe was probably the first person in my life to look at me with true caring and concern. My mom has never looked at me like that. No one has.

I know some people care about me. I've never been in love. I don't know if I would know if I was. I only know when it's not there. I won't ever forget the way he watched me. We made total eye contact. I looked in his eyes and he was looking into mine and it sounds like a bad slut story but that's what happened. He saw me and he watched me and it made me feel okay and that was the difference from before and after. After that I knew the world was full of shit. I won't bitch here forever about the way people are. I just thought I could say it right about Joe Cole. Carey says I'm pursuing a degree in Joe-ology. She says there should be a part of science called Cole-osophy that just listens to people. I've watched with the crew his movie God's Movie. I don't like to watch it. It makes me sad that he's dead.

confessions of The Shadow * 3:39 PM

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Thursday, January 15, 2004

I can't go out with boring boy. He won't ever understand me. Last night I was driving around and I heard that song Fade Into You by Mazzy Star. It used to be on my Joe Cole CD a friend made for me. That CD meant so much to me, not just because he made it, but also because he knew how every song reached me. So what if I sound lame and melodramatic? You can watch Joe Millionaire and Real World Road Rules Challenge but you can't stand to read my shit? Fuck you.

My CD used to have the Sonic Youth songs JC and !000 and some songs from James and Cab Calloway's St James Infirmary and the song my friend did about Joe Cole. Then some asshole broke my car window and stole my stereo and all my CDs. What a fucker. I don't know why but I can't just make another CD. I'll never have that song he did so it won't be the same. Fuck it. I just have to remember how good it was like sex you had once with someone you know you'll never be with again.

I'll tell you the Joe Cole thing. When I have time and I'm in the mood to say it right. It's Joe. I can't just wing it.

confessions of The Shadow * 3:23 PM

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Tuesday, January 13, 2004

It happened again. The Universe is trying to tell me something. Oh yeah. I forgot to tell you I was right about Sicko. He and his sick freak wife had a little boy. How sad for the kid. My therapist said she would report it to the proper people. Whatever. I don't know why the Universe bothers to tell me shit I can't do anything about. Now I keep hearing that stupid song about love is kind of crazy with a spooky little girl like you. Followed by a Beach Boys song. What does it mean? I don't know. Does it mean I'm not supposed to date the drip? He's been calling. How are you? How was your day? Fucking sucked, just like all the others. He tells me not to be so negative because I'm prettier when I'm smiling. Who gives a shit? You won't be able to see my face when you fuck me up the ass anyway, so what does it matter? It's just another line to get into my pants and the thing is you don't need to feed me bullshit lines. Just say I want to fuck you. If I feel the same way about you we'll fuck. End of story. What's all this calling and being all fake and hallmark and stuff? A new brand of bullshit? I'd have to be a special kind of stupid to fall for that hearts and flowers shit, wouldn't I? Fuck it.

confessions of The Shadow * 3:49 PM

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Thursday, January 08, 2004

I called the drip and told him that I wouldn't be able to go out with him. He asked me why and I said I was really busy. He said I couldn't be that busy because I'm not in school like he is and I only have the one job. I said my life is busy right now. He said chaos makes things feel busy even if they're not. I thought that was pretty fucking rude, but I never let people know if they've bothered me so I just blew it off. He said he really appreciated me calling him. I said whatever, I just wanted to let you know. He said that whenever I was ready, he'd love to take me out and get to know me better. Whatever. I said I didn't need to be someone's project. He said he has enough projects at work and that what he was talking about is called a date. I said I didn't want to date anyone who didn't know the difference between a date and a movie. He said he did the know the difference since I'd corrected him last time. I said I didn't want to date anyone who only talked about his ex-girlfriend. He said he was sorry he'd done that, and that he was nervous last time and that since meeting me he has a lot of other things to talk about. I told him I didn't like being manipulated. He said he wasn't trying to manipulate me and that he was trying to persuade me and asked me if I wanted him to explain the difference. I said I had to go. He asked if it would be alright if he called me and I said I guess so. I said it was OKAY again. I got my ass kicked by boring boy. Please someone help me. Why will no one help me?

confessions of The Shadow * 3:41 PM

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Wednesday, January 07, 2004

The drip just called. I had to run to get the phone because I thought it was the doctor calling about my pap test, but no. It was boring boy. All the stupid people I work with were clucking like fat hens and rolling their eyes while I was on the phone. I can't stand any of them. One of them tried to be friendly with me at xmas time and share some of her diet candy and bond with me. She said she has a daughter about my age, alert alert alert, and that she just wants me to know she's there for me. Warning, warning, warning, stupid fat nurse looking for project. Evacuate the area immediately!

Boring boy said that he had a really great time with me and that he would like to take me to get something to eat. I told him that was very nice of him but virtually impossible because a) I go to great lengths to avoid eating, b) I don't think we have anything in common c)I'm broke as a joke and always working. I didn't have the heart to tell him he was a drip and that I couldn't stand to hear anything more about his stupid ex-girlfriend. He said we don't have to eat if you don't want to, I just want to spend time with you. Then I said the only time I would spend with him would be at a show and he said sure, any show you want to see, whenever you can get away. So then I told him okay. I said OKAY. I agreed to a second date with boring boy. What the fuck is this world coming to? I need help. This is a cry for help! Is anyone out there? Can anyone help me? Please, send help! SOS!

confessions of The Shadow * 12:32 PM

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Tuesday, January 06, 2004

I just want to say that I posted that last piece on the blogmistress' sign on. I freely admit mistakes. I will admit it was a mistake to get some asshole's name tattooed on my shoulder. Thank you, Mr Rick for doing such a nice job covering it up. I will admit it was a mistake to even get involved with that asshole. I know how to shit just fine, what do I need another asshole for? Besides, I already know how to be broke, lonely, horny, in debt, and living in a messy house all by myself, why do I need to be in a relationship? I saw a cockroach three different times this week in my bathroom. I'm trying to believe it was the same roach each time because it would be too terrifying for me to accept that if you see one cockroach there's a hundred behind the wall. That would mean I have at least 300 roaches waiting to crawl across my face while I'm sleeping. I'm going to fumigate the house this weekend. If that drip I saw last weekend wants to come over, he can sit in the house while I'm fumigating and wait for me to get home from vinyl shopping.

confessions of The Shadow * 7:13 PM

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Saturday night I went out with the most boring guy in the world. Well, my world at least. He just went on and on and on about his last girlfriend and would not shut the fuck up. I thought he was really cute when he asked me if I wanted to go see a show. I said yes, thinking we were going to see live music, as in a SHOW. But no, he took me to the movies. We sat through three fucking hours of that Ring of the King shit and he didn't try to hold my hand or anything. He just kept offering me junk food. I don't know the story of the rings, and I'm sure it's totally absorbing, but why should I go see the last episode of the story if I haven't seen the first two? I don't really even know what a hobit is. I don't care about the cultural significance of the story. I thought we were going to see a show, not a movie. How can someone confuse those two words or concepts? No wonder this Lisa chick dumped his ass. He's all nervous with me and asking me how I like my job and if I think I'll be going back to school. Gee, Bob. I don't know. I think working in a low level position in a hospital is just fucking fascinating, but the only reason for me to go back to school would be to plant a bomb and learning about explosives would involve studying, so really what's the point? He kissed me goodnight on the cheek. Somewhere there's a girl crying into her pillow about the dearth of good men on the planet. If she dressed like I do she'd know where they are. They're in line behind me. They're tapping me on the shoulder and inviting me to church. I don't like bad boys. I just need someone who understands a dysfunctional life. Guys who pay the rent on time seem really dreamy but I can't relate so what's the point? What's the goddamn point? Never going out with a nice guy again. Done with bad boys. Who's left?

confessions of The Shadow * 3:43 PM

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Friday, January 02, 2004

Last night as I was driving home I couldn't get anything good on the radio so I turned to Kola 99.9 to listen to oldies. Sometimes you can get the Smokin' Oldies Jukebox on that station. When I turned it up Love Child was starting from Diana Ross and the former bandmates she screwed over. It was followed by Wouldn't It Be Nice from the Beach Boys. Then this morning I had to get up and move my car because I parked it in the video store lot and the guy there is totally unsympathetic to the parking needs of the community. I passed the coffee store and they were playing Love Child inside. I thought that was interesting. Then when I got to my car I turned on the radio and Good Vibrations from the Beach Boys was on the radio. It kind of tripped me, but what really freaked me was that when I was driving in to work a few hours later I turned on the radio and Love Child was playing. It was followed by In My Room, by you know who.

I asked this hippie chick I know about it. She said it was synchronicity and it means the universe is trying to tell me something. I asked why the universe doesn't just use the booming voice from the clouds like in the bible, but she said it doesn't work like that. She says each person is unique and individual and the universe has a unique and individual relationship and way of communicating with each of us. Okay. I'll bite. What's the catch? She asked me what I thought these songs meant to me: Here goes.

The song Love Child is a good one. It's a little before it's time. It's bold and a good tune to boot. Diana Ross is an absolute cunt. She threw her bandmates under an oncoming train and one of them ended up killing herself, which may or may not have had anything to do with how Miss Ross treated her, but I'm sure the mistreatment couldn't have helped. The old Motown stuff is pretty good, but Miss Ross can go to hell as far as I'm concerned, which is why I'm not allowed to run the world.

The Beach Boys were a bunch of good-looking, dysfunctional fuck-ups. They put out some music that really fit the time and place they were selling. Their stuff will always take people back to that early-60's isn't life great California sunshine bullshit. In reality they were mostly a bunch of guys who had some talent and let someone else run their lives. Some of them made it out, but most of them didn't. They are usually regarded as tragic.

So this animal that gave birth to me also gave to birth to this monster who is a child rapist. You may want to stop reading right here, because I don't just mean that he likes kids. I don't just mean that he has ambiguous inappropriate relationships with children because he's confused and needs counseling. I mean that he is a child rapist. He has a system of victim selection and practically his whole life revolves around his predatory behavior. You wouldn't know it by looking at him. He looks like a Beach Boy. Clean cut, blond, always smiling like a salesman. Hi, how are you today? Excellent. He lives in Orange County, of course. He surfs. He has a little blond wife. They drive a Range Rover. It's really ugly. She knows. She took him to a counselor. He told his lies to the counselor. Several people have tried to stop him. The police say there's nothing they can do without more corroborating evidence, which is fair but fucking sucks. I remembered that the idiot wife was pregnant. I think this is what the universe was trying to tell me. She's had their love child. Now I can call Child Protective Services again and say there is a child in danger. They can go over and roust his house and humiliate the new mommy, which is the least she deserves for creating victims for the monster.

I guess my purpose for today is all set.

I know you want to know about Joe Cole. Maybe I'll tell you over the weekend. It's hard to write about, but that why I'm doing it. If you don't like it, don't read it.



confessions of The Shadow * 1:54 PM

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Thursday, January 01, 2004

I tried to post this earlier but blogger wouldn't accept it. I hope it wasn't all the goddamn profanity I was using. Fuck it, let's go. Last night I was forcibly kidnapped and shanghai'd to a party. Okay, I was heavily manipulated into going. I really didn't feel like going at all. These people seem like everyday people, but then you get to know them a little bit and you find out that just about every fucking one of them is a junior studio executive, or a manager of a production company, or a sitcom writer,or a screenwriter, or an actor, or an editor, or a costume designer, or a set designer, or some fucking other industry thing. Then everything gets this weird Hollywood taint on it. It's a trip. It makes me feel like I should start telling people these outrageous bullshit lies about being a call girl who only engages in three or more somes while dressed as a Disney princess. Why, yes. There's definitely a market for it. Would you like to book an encounter?

I'm probably pms, and I'm sure you want to hear all about it but I'll spare you the details just this once. I just felt fat and ugly all night, but my friend insisted I stay just until everyone shouted happy new year and started groping each other. I immediately got smushed by five guys and I gave some of them kisses, but this one guy tried to shove his tongue down my throat. I pressed his neck right where his adam's apple should be and that got him off me. Then I said goodnight to all the hollywoodlanders and split.

On the way home I stopped at the house on Brooks Ave. It looks so ordinary. I'm sure the lady who lives there now is probably reporting me to the cops because I drive by every once in a while. I like to see that house all peaceful. It gives me hope that Joe Cole is peaceful now, too.

I know this is a boring post. I just didn't want to be included in Carey's or The Crew's blogs because often and occasionally I'm pretty offensive even for the CrewChix. Ce la vie.

Happy New Year or whatever


confessions of The Shadow * 9:17 PM

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